Wednesday, December 29, 2010

BC1: Day Seven

video

So... I was a little quiet because my brother is definitely in the room next door. And we have thin walls. And it's embarrassing to admit this stuff (though he already knows it haha). But yeah. Oh! And at 0:35, I meant to say vlogger, not blogger. Alright, I'm off to do some late night chores.

Until tomorrow...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ketchup

Okay. So I looked at my calender earlier and I realized it was Tuesday. Whoo! I survived two days of school (this week)!
So today was ridiculously cold. I was just talking to my mom about how this morning it wasn't cold, but I nearly froze to death on my way home... Then I remembered that she gave me a ride to school this morning LOL. But seriously. My face was numb, I couldn't feel my toes, and my fingers felt like they were going to fall off even though I had gloves on. And this was all in Roslindale Square as I was waiting for the bus. Ridiculous. Yesterday was like 50 degrees! I wore a skirt! Yet when I was walking over to Stop and Shop a couple hours ago (I was warm everywhere except my head, stupid wind >_>) it was snowing. Seriously? Snow? I mean, I know it's winter and everything but I was sort of hoping the snow would be put off until the week starting Christmas break or something lol. Winter's my favorite season, but I don't like the cold. The bitter, biting winter cold. It makes me shiver. Haha pun.
Anywhom, I made my Christmas list (for other people) just the other day. So sad haha. I mean, I love it, all my ideas are awesome (as usual lol jk) but it's so last minute! And I have barely any money to work with! I feel bad because everyone else says how they got me the perfect gift or something, but I have nothing for them (yet anyway). So for half of the people on my list, I hope they accept and enjoy my baked goods. <:\ This is exactly what happened last year. I gave people late gifts. I ended up giving people gifts up until my birthday, when I should've been recieving gifts lol. I even used some of my birthday money to get those last few gifts. How bad is that? lol
But hey, in the end they're happy (I hope) and I'm happy so it works out. I just need to work on saving my money. And getting a job so I can make a steady income. Sigh. I really hope people like their gifts this year. I have like the best things planned. It'll just take time -_-
And my shindig. I've been debating with myself about whether I should have it or not, but I think I will. I should anyway. Even if like nobody RSVP'd the event, I know at least a few people will come. And just those few people will make it awesome. Even if we are just sitting around watching movies and baking :\ (My house is so lame. There's nothing to do! lol)
I don't think I would've wanted certain people to come anyway...

So recently I've been having these thoughts. And I'm not sure if they're correct or not, but that's what it feels like... I feel like "the other woman". Haha yes, it sounds funny but I'm serious. Maybe I keep doing things with him because subconsciously I'm still trying to get him, but I don't want that. He has a girlfriend. I don't wanna be a homewrecker! lol
Let's hope that I'm just the "really good woman friend" and nothing more.

Hey! Malcolm's visting for the holidays! :D
He's coming this Sunday, I can't wait. He and Mr. T and me are gonna go last minute Christmas shopping haha. Funn!
Oh and I have to preform in the Winter Concert Thursday for Chorus. Yay. I can't wait. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) I mean, last week if you had asked me I would've said that I'm excited for the concert, but after today, not anymore. I told Mr. Wurman that I wasn't feeling well and that I was gonna go home after school, but he said that I had to go to dress rehearsal -_-
So eventhough I was sick, I went. And I didn't even sing, I sat in the "audience". And at the end right before I was gonna leave, he snatched the permission slip from me. That pissed me off. I know it's his first year and everything, but he's just way too antsy about this. I understand that some of the people in Chorus won't stop talking, but there's no reason for him to take out his frustrations on me. The same thing happened with Spirit Day. This is just one of the differences between BPS and suburban schools (Lexington). When I was in Chorus, it was NICE. We got shirts, we performed at a retirement home, we sounded awesome. Though the music teacher was sort of a slut, she was fun and knew what she was doing. I'm not saying that Mr. Wurman doesn't know what he's doing, I just feel like he's overwhelmed with all these kids. Because back in Lexington there was like maybe 20 people in our group. I don't know. He just needs to take a chill pill.

Alright. I still have lots of work to do so I'll write you later blogettes.
Night!

BC1: Day Six

Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to... fight anyone. Like for real. I say that I'm gonna beat people up all the time, but I don't actually mean it. When I say that it either means that the person hurt me or hurt someone that I love... or that I love them, but they did something stupid. Yup. Those are really the only reasons I'd say that I'll beat someone up. But I'm a lover, not a fighter (a hopeless lover at that lol). I don't like violence. Like that fight I witnessed between Bianca and U... (I don't know her nameee >.<) on Friday. That scared the shit outta me. I was just walking up the stairs going to my locker when I noticed people arguing and then *BAM* punches getting thrown.
I'm an advocate for peace. (Well, I don't talk about it, but I try to keep the peace through my actions.) However though I've taken self defense classes and have some muscles from volleyball, I doubt I'd be able to defend myself well in a real fight.
Still, I think fighting one another is a little barbaric. I mean, it doesn't make sense. Use your words. Walk away. Again, if we all were a bit more accepting and loving, we wouldn't have to worry about these problems.

Oh, you know what? I also hope that I never have to make one of those life-threatening decisions like in Saw. And I hope I never have to hurt someone else intentionally (I guess that goes along with the fighting thing). And I hope I never have to witness a murder or a rape or a robbery or something like that. That'd be horrid. Average people like to turn their heads on the basest habits of evil men, but they exist. It's out there and it happens everyday.

Whoo. Okay, I'm done.
Until tomorrow...

Monday, December 13, 2010

BC1: Day Five

Something you hope to do in your life.

You know, I would love to complete my list of things before I pass away, but let's be a bit more realistic..
Besides, that list is filled with mostly materialistic things. At the end of the day, at the end of my life, I would like to have accomplished two things. I hope to make someone cry tears of joy and I hope to be remembered long past my time for the great things I've done. That's all. Simple as that. Haha.
Who knows, maybe I've already done the first one (though I'd love to see it for myself). As for the second one, well, the sole thing humans need to survive is love (because with love, anything is possible). Everyone needs it, everyone wants it. It's nice to feel loved, but I guess I'm a bit selfish for wanting to be loved past my time haha. I'd love to know that there will be people (whether it be my descendants or my friends' descendants) who tell stories about me, people who say "Oh Christina? She changed my life." Before I die I want to know that I made an impact on someone's life, that I was a good friend, that I was there for people. So can you blame me for wanting to be more than a floating thought in people's distant memories? Something tangible would be nice (maybe a statue? lol jk), even if I never get the chance to see it.


Haha. Towards the end I was joking, but for the most part I was being serious. Those are my hopes for my life. I just want to make it meaningful. Don't we all?

Until tomorrow.



P.S. Those days when I skipped, I was busy. Especially Saturday night. Yes, I went to the Winter Blackout. It was... nice :)
The whole night was cool. And I love how it ended... *blush*

Sunday, December 12, 2010

BC1: Day Four

Something you have to forgive someone for.

My sister. I have to forgive her for... (I can't say that she wasn't a good sister because really, what is a good sister? And I doubt I could be any better) I have to forgive her for not showing that she loved and cared for me more. That, plus her personality, is the reason why our relationship sucks if it even exists. We're 5 years apart. And I get that while I still wanted to play with Barbies she was a teenager, growing fast and moving on to the next hobby that interested her. I get that reason why she didn't play with me, but come on. Even past those childhood years she barely tried. How can you build a relationship based on a history full of nothings?
And her personality sucks. People say we look exactly alike, but we couldn't be any more different. Granted, we have some similarities (things I probably acquired from her, like my short temper), but as a whole I'm calm and collected and she's wild and unruly. Let's say for instance she just dropped by the house for some food. What would aggravate the hell out of me would be if she complains about the food that my mom made. She'd be like "ugh, what is this?", get some food, complain while eating it, then throw away half of her plate. Like wtf? Be grateful you're getting food at all! And other little things that annoy me. Sometimes she'd tap my shoulder (so that I'd turn around and she'd act like she didn't do anything) or call my name repeatedly, which maybe is her way of trying to reach out to me, but it only makes me mad. I can't stand it. She threw my baking stuff in the trash once because she was complaining that I'd left it out too long. She warned me that she would, but I didn't take her seriously. I mean, who does that? She didn't pay for that stuff, she has NO RIGHT to touch it not to mention throw it away. She can be such a bitch. One minute she'd be joking and all happy and the next she'd be centimeters from ripping your head off. And she's constantly "borrowing" stuff without asking. Considering that she lives in Salem and doesn't give it back no matter how many times you ask her for it or remind her to bring it with her, that's very selfish. Sigh. We have no relationship. We may be blood, she may be my sister, but I don't think I could ever feel close to her.
So yes, I feel like I have to forgive her for not spending time with me when I was younger because she was a teenager handling her own problems and living her own life. And I hope one day we will be able to patch up our relationship, but it may be too late for that.
It's sad knowing that you have a blood sibling, but never being able to say that you love them.


Anywhom, that was my sob story.
Cya!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

BC1: Day Three

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for not saying something when I had the chance. Because I was only in the 4th grade. I'm sure I've told this story before, but I'll summarize it for this entry's sake. In the 4th grade there was this boy Shannon (he was French) I was really good friends with. We would play during recess and we'd sit near each other sometimes. Towards the end of the year he told me he liked me and I just said "okay" and walked away. The sad part is, I liked him too. I was just too shocked to say anything else. I tried telling him the day after I just couldn't get myself to do it. That day he left for summer vacation in France early and I never got to tell him how I truly felt. I had a very heavy heart that summer. The next school year came around, stuff with a third party happened regarding secrets >_>, and I found out that he just wanted to "be friends".
Yes, so I've realized that I have to forgive myself for not speaking up. I was young and didn't know any better. Sure, it cost me a heartbreak, but I learned a great deal from it. The same goes for my other crushes. I find myself always falling for a guy even though I know it won't go anywhere and that I'll get hurt in the end. I have to forgive myself for that because I can not control my emotions. I have to realize that. I can try all I want to stay away from a guy and not have mini heart attacks whenever I have contact with him, but it pretty much never works. I just have to accept it, get over it, and learn. Much easier said than done...

But hey, one thing I've learned from all my crushes is to take risks and step outside my comfort zone sometimes. :)
I'm proud to say that I've told 2 of my past crushes that I've liked them (one way or another... but both directly). I never got to be with them and for one I was heartbroken to discover the truth, but it felt really good to let it out. One of these days I just hope that the guy will like me back hehehe.

Until tomorrow.
<3

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

BC1: Day 2

Something you love about yourself.

Hmmm. Yes, I love myself but I feel like listing all the things I love about myself would be a very... conceited act. And honestly, I can only think of things to say that I like about myself, not love. Let's see... (yeesh, these questions are hard).
I love my patience. Granted, I'm not very patient when it comes to children but I consider myself a very patient person. Especially when the subject is relationships. Did you know that I still have virgin lips? I've never been kissed haha.
There's this one girl I know who is ummm impatient when it comes to this subject. Now I'm not sure whether it's issues with her father in childhood or self-esteem issues, but she is always pining for a different guy. And back when I used to talk to her a lot she would always talk about some new guy in her life. And not even guys actually in her life, it would be guys she crushed on and tried desperately to get involved with through emails and facebook. I gotta hand it to her for being bold enough to do all that, but at the end of the day she'd find herself with a bookfull of poems written about different guys, crushes, that she never got to be with. I'm not like that. For the most part, I like the way my life is right now. I love my friends. I love hanging out with them. Yes, there are a few guys I like, but unfortunately I know it won't work. I know they're just crushes. I know that some day I'll find a guy worthy of my affection... and my hand (not in marriage, yet lol). I have patience when it comes to finding a boyfriend and I love it because who knows, maybe that guy, the one who steals my first kiss, will be a keeper for life. Maybe waiting makes way for a better relationship. Yes, I'll be highly inexperienced but I await those surprises with curiosity, wonder, and happiness.


One thing though, I dislike PDA lol.
Alright, cya!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

BC1: Day One

Something you hate about yourself.

Hate is a strong word.
And I don't hate myself. I just dislike some of my characteristics. Obvious things for instance. Being tall comes with a price and that debt is one I won't ever be freed from. I don't like my big hands or feet. But I remember this one talk I had with my mom in middle school. I was telling her how I was self-conscious about my feet and she said that if anyone ever made fun of them that I should be like "Well how do you expect me to stand up? I need big feet to support my tall body." Or something like that haha... but it really cheered me up and whenever I get self-conscious about my body, I think about that talk we had in the bathroom. :)
And I dislike that I hold grudges. And that I get annoyed easily (like if someone took something and didn't put it back in the right spot or the right way... or if my parents say something that ticks me off; I hate to yell at them but even if they meant no harm, I just flip out). And that I don't have much patience with kids, I don't know why. And that I can be selfish.
And I could go on, but I'm tired a my mom is really annoying me and I just want to go up to my room. So I'll blog another time... tomorrow!
Cya :)

Why Not?

As the new year approaches I feel like I should do something new. So instead of working on my procrastination habits or my work ethics, I'm going to start a 30 Day Blog Challenge :)

Here are the questions:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

FCUK CLAC

Haha I don't think that title makes sense to anyone else. I switched the two middle letters of both the words. I didn't want to swear lol.

Currently listening to: Now That You Got It -- Gwen Stefani
Hehe. iTunes is on shuffle. This song came on and I'm just really in love with this beat right now haha.

Okay. So yesterday was okay. Wait. I forgot what happened... *3 minutes later*
Oh yea! Okay, I got it. So I did no homework Thursday night haha. That's weird because I stayed up until like 1:30. I was doing facebook stuff (Including making a fan page for my baked goods! Join it! It's called "Christina's Cookies & More"). I woke up on time around 5 yesterday morning (obviously didn't get much sleep). I had to rush to catch the bus so I just grabbed the new box of Wheat Thins from the cupboard and threw a lunch together. I literally had to run across the street to catch the 30.
Let's see... fell asleep in study first period, munched on Wheat Thins throughout French (and made Vthong an uber cute note - that she never saw lol), winged a test in History, did slave labor for Ms. Pastor in the office for my other study, found out that I actually got a 55 on that test I thought I passed in Precalc (complete bullshit, that ruined my day), listened to music and didn't eat or talk during lunch because I was mad, found out that Khanh beat up some chick (that made my day because I really felt like beating up someone... I really hope she deserved it haha. Khanh♥♥♥), got a hug from Qui in English, nearly fell asleep in Biomed (I felt bad because she's such an awesome, enthusiastic teacher, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open that period), declined the offer to go out and eat with Vixie because I wanted to "go home and sleep" (it's also because I had like no money), got stopped by Qui on my way outside -- he's an odd kid haha, took the 32, walked up a hill, got home around 2:15, watched most of a movie on tv, did facebook stuff, went to the mall with my mom around 6, fell asleep in the car as she was dropping off one of her friends in Brockton, didn't find a dress for Winter Blackout, went home, ate food, did stuff, and fell asleep... yay! That was my day! lol
I woke up around noon this morning hahahaha. But yea, precalculus is pissing me off. I hate that class soooooo freaking much. A 55? Seriously?! I talked to Cao afterwards and he said that I got all the hard stuff right. He looked at it and I realized that I made a few stupid mistakes -_- But hey, at least I finally have this stuff in my head... Now I just have to apply it my tests.... and do well >_>
This is so unfair. Precalc and French are worst. Stupid junior classes...

Anywho, I'm going to the Y and then to BCNC today. I still haven't told my dad about the Athena Conference tomorrow haha. I will... later :P
Bye guys! Have a great Saturday :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Long Update Time! :D

Hello blogettes :)
It's weird how I'm feeling so good right now when about 24 hours ago I was feeling like crap. No, I didn't take any drugs haha.
This week has been pretty busy. Monday I followed Sushi home. Then Tuesday I went to Chorus and then worked out at the Y, eventually practicing basketball with Joey. Yesterday Sushi came by and I made cinnarolls. Then after she left I got sleepy and ended up falling asleep and waking up at 5.
Actually, even though I said I wouldn't... I have to talk about him. We're back on good friend terms again (though I still think he's flirty at times). But anyway I had a another dream about him last night, which is weird because I'm really not thinking about him all that much. He was here, at my house, and it was as though he'd been here a hundred times before. He was watching me wash dishes... and then he commented on my OCDness haha. Now that I think about it, Sushi was watching me wash dishes yesterday. And we were talking about how everyone has some sort of OCD or disorder lol. So I guess that's where that dream came from...
Yeah. I wasn't late this morning! And I was a bit discouraged because nobody wanted to buy my cinnarolls (people ended up just stealing them -_-). Either that or they didn't know I was selling them. At first I was gonna sell it for $1 each, but then I thought about the 4/5 hours it took for me to make it and I said $1.50... and people put away their money. Cheap bastards. Which reminds me, since Alcina is making a fan page for her music (which 1, she asked me to like and 2, the only time I heard her sing was in a video she put on facebook and... it didn't sound that good), I should follow Malcolm's advice and make one for my baking >:] I will. Right after I make that Shindig event...
What else? Well afterschool I ran around the Fenway area with Vicky for an hour or so lol. She invited me to her VLA award ceremony thing. And all of her family was there so it was like I was part of the family =^.^= LOL
Mr. Moy was there, which I was highly upset about, but he didn't bother me as much as Quang Le did. I don't know. There's just something about his smug little face that makes me want to throw a fist into it lol. The sad part is that I don't feel bad about saying it. Like, I don't even know him yet I don't like him. Sigh, after Hung, I don't think I'll ever trust a babyface again.
Afterwards I took the train and got home at like 7. Along the way I thought of the perfect excuse for why I went to a "last-minute Red Cross Club meeting". It incorporated my coming home late AND the Winter Blackout party next week AND that volunteer thing I'm doing next Sunday. It was perfect (especially paired with the adorable cupcakes I brought both my parents back from the ceremony), but when I started talking I could tell that my dad didn't care haha. Oh well. So now I have permission to go to the Winter Blackout! Now I just need to buy the ticket and find an outfit :\
I'll probably go to the mall with Vicky... maybe. If not, she can always just make me dinner :) That'll suffice. As long as it doesn't kill me lol. I trust her, but I told her to stock up on Benedryl just in case haha.

Ummmm. I still need to get a job! How am I supposed to get gifts and go places and plan stuff if I don't have any cash? Grrrr. I need to get my priorities straight >_< style="font-style: italic;">pretty sure I passed my precalc test today :D Except for the first part, it seemed easy. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not O_O I really need to boost up my grade because like every other test, I've failed. Stupid Precalc. It's ruining my report card! Not even, my transcripts!
Yeah. And my back is starting to hurt. Like, I was lying face down on my bed the other day and maybe it was the height of my pillows or something, but my back was not pleased. I hope I don't/won't have back problems... I blame volleyball. It's always the things I love/like that end up hurting me :(

Yea. I think that's it. Other than the fact that Paola's becoming a serious homewrecker, trying to steal my Vincent♥ away from me, nothing much is happening haha. But seriously, she needs to stop. She's starting to anger me. Especially since last year I did not like her at all. She was in my French class and the things she did pissed me off... until one day in the start of volleyball, she came up to me and asked to be my friend haha. Would that be considered two-faced?

Okay. Let me go... do other stuff now (notice how I didn't say homework). Byeeee!

P.S. I ♥ my son Chup so much! He's such a cutie! And he's just awesome in general :D

Plan for the rest of the week:
Tomorrow - hang out with Sushi, eat dinner at her place?
Saturday - go to the Y and play volleyball at BCNC
Sunday - Athena Conference!
And somewhere in there I'd get some homework done lol. That's if my dad let's me go out that much... We'll see.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Winter Blackout

Okay. So a lot of people want me to go to this dance, the Winter Blackout, next next Saturday. I don't really know if I want to go. And even if I did want to go, I'd still have to ask my dad permission to go. And find something to wear. Stupid formal parties. People are telling me that it's not a formal dance, but from the looks of what everyone else is wearing, it is. I don't know. I just feel ehhhh. And I'm sure I'd be one of the 10 black people there in a sea of asians too LOL. That's not a problem for me, but I was just throwin that out there haha. Hmmm, we'll see.

Last night (more like this morning since I woke up at noon -- I stayed up until 4/5 watching a tv show online haha) I had a dream. I was in Shaws with Lexy and Tiff getting groceries lol (probably because my cousins and I went there yesterday in search of candy). Then I got a call on my phone. And it was... you know. And he was asking me to be his date to the Winter Blackout dance. And I woke up right after I asked him "What about your girlfriend?". I hate that I always wake up before the nitty gritty stuff of dreams. You know, the stuff that shows what your dream actually means? Sigh. I've been having way too many dreams about him lately. I never had this many about Hung. Maybe it's because I interact with him in real life more. But still, I never dream about my family this much. And when we actually hung out all the time, I never dreamed this much about Blakey. Weird.
Anywho, I'm sure you guys are tired of reading about him. So this will most likely be the last blog featuring him. I don't want to talk about him this much either. It's creepy.
Hahahaha creepy. Cweepy. Qui-py. Hahaha.

...Yeah, I'll stop. Time for me to actually do some work this weekend lol. Bye!

See?



This is the picture he has up. (I can't help but laugh at how serious they look in this pic and how silly we are in real life.)
Storm and Nightcrawler. X-men, practically family. Nothing more... right? I knew that. I just didn't care haha. I should've cared in order to save me all this trouble now. Oh well. It happens. To me. All the time.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sabado

Saturday in Spanish :)

So today was... better. That's probably because I didn't interact with my family much. And because he didn't aim me, but at least I didn't go near insane or cry today. YAY :D
Hahaha. My mom did my hair around 3 (it smells incredible right now!) and then I went to the movies with my cousins. We saw Harry Potter, against my wishes. It was okay I guess. I had no idea what was happening or who half of those people were, but that's okay.
We went to the Dedham de Lux theatre. First off, their food and drinks and candy are RIDICULOUSLY overpriced. $5 for a drink? $4 for a tiny box of candy? WHAT?! It's outrageous. Those prices are way higher than any other theatre I've been to. Do they make you pay for the atmosphere too? Why should I have to pay for that too when I don't even stay there (the lobby) for more than 5 minutes? >:\
Secondly, we walked into the theatre a little late (the movie was already starting) and there were absolutely no seats lol! We had to sit in the second row. At least the seats reclined a bit. And we were able to kick our feet up haha.
I kept asking my cousins questions during the movie because the only HP movie I've seen in full is the first one. The 3 or 4 movies in between are all just a blur lol. Like Dumbledor is dead? WHAT?! I was shocked hahaha.
Afterwards we walked around and went to the Apple Store. While trying to post a video on my cousin's wall I linked iPhoto to my facebook. We didn't know how to take it off and the store was closing so when I got home I changed my password (just in case). So Vivian don't even think about trying to hack my facebook lol.
We left and went to Friendly's so I could try a Fribble, but they were closed :(
I will try a Fribble some day! >:|
So we went to Star Market/Shaws for candy haha. I ate chocolate and Pringles and they dropped me off home. I had a good time.
Except.
Is it bad that earlier today (when I thought we were going to go to the Downtown theatre) I thought about leaving them to go to BCNC and play volleyball with Qui and Joey and them? Or not even play, just watch. Watch him. I think that's bad. Really bad. Bad Christina! haha sigh. How can I just be friends now? Grrr. I fupped everything up.

Well on a better note, this morning when I was trying on the Victoria Secret stuff my mom bought me last night I found out that I'm now a 34B. Whooo! lmaoooo
You guys didn't need to know that, but it's something that cheered me up today haha. I wouldn't be surprised if I got a bra from one of you guys this Christmas/my birthday LOL.
And I think that's it. I still haven't started any schoolwork. I think I'll just attempt at it tomorrow. I'm tired. So it's just do a bit more Twizzler munchin and Pringle crunchin then sleep. Oh, maybe I'll watch My Generation online or read Twilight before I k.o. though. Hehehe okie doke. Later!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving/Black Friday

Oh goodness. This has been the longest couple of days in... ever haha. It's like I'm on a roller coaster that's gone out of control. At first everything's fine and I'm happy, but then one little thing happens and my world does a complete 180. Everything goes wrong and I'm upset and I start to cry. It's ridiculous. I feel sorta kinda bipolar. All I want to do is get off this roller coaster. I wish I could redo everything starting from Wednesday afternoon. Turn back time and forget that things ever happened, that'd be wonderful. Because I'd like to be stable again, to feel stable. My eyes weren't made to cry this much lol.
So where should I start? Hmmm... hows about on Thursday night. Thanksgiving. I had a pretty bad Thanksgiving. The worst out of all my years. The morning was fine, but then my mom came by and said that we were trying to leave by 3. So I kept doing whatever I was doing because I still had time. So 2 o'clock comes around and she barges in yelling at me asking if I was still going. Then she tells me that she said we were trying to get there by 3 (which is complete bullshit cuz I know what she said before). And so we were both mad. I was getting dressed when she hopped in the car and threatened to leave me. She claimed that I didn't want to go -_-
I had to run out to the car. And on the drive over to Rhode Island I cried. Quietly, but still I'm sure my Dad noticed since he was sitting next to me. He didn't do or say anything. Nice. What kind of family is that? We got to my aunt's house and she had to leave for work so we were left with my twin cousins and a table covered with half-eaten food. I was silent while we ate. I already felt crappy. (Though I did crack a smile when my mom asked what would we do if she was choking... *inside joke*) Later on she made some rude comment about me. She was like "I don't see why people say Dinah and Christina are so alike. Christina's so mean. I don't see how she has any friends." Alright so maybe it was supposed to make me smile cuz they all laughed, but I walked away after that. So later we went to my godmother's house (also my aunt) where the majority of my cousins were. I had more fun there because my cousins distracted me from my immediate family haha. What can I say? They know how to make me laugh. It was maybe 11 when I go a ride home with Dinah and her bf. In the car ride he was talking to her about me. He said "Your sister seems especially surly lately. What's wrong with her?" Then they went on about how my sister doesn't know what surly means... but still, it's amazing to me that he would actually ask about me when no body in my (immediate) family will. Again, what kind of family is that?
So I got on aim at home and put in my status that I had the worst Thanksgiving ever. And Qui aimed.

Qui 11:12 pm
got some lint in my food, bout to go eat it 21m ago <-- that's an inside joke haha
(10:23:00 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] hey i dont think i can go tomorrow
(11:12:28 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] my mom wants to go shopping
(11:12:28 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] T.T
(11:12:34 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] i guess im suppose to hpold her bags
(11:12:34 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] >:(
Qui 11:35 pm
(11:35:28 PM): hey u alrite ?
(11:39:09 PM): i hope everything goes well storm, happy thanksgiving i am tahnkful for having the storm because she predicts the weather :-)
(11:39:21 PM): goodnite storm (and then he set that as his status...)

I didn't want to talk to him so I ignored him even if that was really thoughtful. Sometimes I just want to hit him for being so flippin nice. Like I want to hate him for it, but I can't. That just doesn't make any sense lol.
Anywho, since I wasn't going to the mall with him, I decided to go with Vtang. After her tooth-decayingly sweet comment on my last blog I couldn't help but want to spend some time with her. It turned out to be just what I needed!
I woke up at 5:30, left at 6:30, missed my bus, waited a while for the next one, got to Savin Hill, waited there for a really long time in the cold, and walked to Thao's house in fuggs (really bad idea, if only I knew that it was going to rain in the morning... my boots got soaked! lol). We got to the mall around 9... and Vtang and I left around 3/4. Six hours and I walked out having bought just a CD hahah. I introduced her to Chipotle though! Yummm...♥ And I saw Jenn too! And I tried on a lot of hats lol.
By the time we got to Downtown we were both exhausted. I got home expecting my dad to yell at me for staying out nearly 12 hours, but surprisingly he didn't. (I guess it only counts for when I stay out late.. *rolls eyes*) But my mom walked by my room and nagged me. Maybe he's using her as a secret weapon to get under my skin. If so, it's working. She's seriously pissing me off. My fist is aching to throw some punches. At anything and anyone. Watch out... >_>
But yea. In the middle of uploading pics, Qui aimed again. Asking what's wrong. And by that time I was so frustrated with the pics and tired of having to lie and cover up the truth and frustrated with my own thoughts and feelings and just so done with everything that I tried to tell him. Or I hinted at it, but it didn't work. I couldn't do it lol. It was just a fail cuz he kept being to nice and supportive. He kept trying to cheer me up, but I couldn't crack a smile. I was literally shaking with fear (or whatever mix of emotions I was feeling). So in the end he put up a pic of Storm and Nightcrawler together to cheer me up. I could've died.
Also, in the end I hinted at something I probably shouldn't have. And I feel terrible for doing that too. If only I could've started all over! Everything's all mixed up now and ughhhhh! This sucks. I wonder what it's gonna be like talking in person...
Yea. So after that I finished uploading all the pics. And I got tired so I just fell asleep. And now today I believe I'm going to the movies with my cousins (the Gang!) to see HP. Only I refuse to see that movie so I'll probably go see something else lol. And I feel bad for that too because I was originally supposed to see that movie with Sushi on Wednesday. Aghhh! Why is this week so crappy?!
I wonder how/if I'm gonna get any school work done lmaooo.

So for last thoughts... Vicky. Vickster lol. I ♥ her. She's been super awesome these past few days. I know I don't like talking about my "love" life and I hate that it's so hard for me to do it with her, but I love her for trying. And look, she actually got me to do it through this blog! How did I get such a good friend like her? I wonder.. what is she thinking? Does she know she's helping me? Because I know if the tables were turned and she was the one hurting, I'd feel like all my talks weren't helping :\
Anyway, if you didn't, now you know. You're amazing. (You're a star!) Thank you. And I really do hope we get to go skating again lol.

And Vtang. Once again, thanks for the wonderfully tiring day yesterday. I can't believe it's been so long since we last hang out! We have to do it more. (Karaoke!) And I'm not sure if you figured out who the guy is... I'd rather you not know actually. But if you find out, you find out.

I know I should've known better (not to like him). But hey, the heart wants what it wants. It wants what it can't have. That seems to be especially true for my heart...

That's a picture that Frank-o-bean tagged me in hahaha.
It's like my heart breaks free from the leash every single time.
This reminds me of those poems I wrote (I wrote them at the perfect time because they match exactly how I feel now). I think I'm going to go read them now. Blog you laters.

Xtina. Monkee. Cjoe. Kandi. Twinn.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Spirit Day

Hello dear readers. It's been a while. A very long while haha. I meant to blog last weekend, but I got lazy. Oh well hehe.
So today was Spirit Day. Everything was so nerve-racking. (Thank goodness it's the last one!) This morning was CRAPPPP. Last night after Cao's party I came home and uploaded pics for a god 2/3 hours. I fell asleep at like 1:30. Then I had to wake, get ready, get all my stuff packed and good to go for my performance, and run out the door (because they said that if you come late to school, they won't let you in). But I was running late and I missed my bus. So I had to ask my mom for a ride and she got mad and was yelling at me. It was just really loud -_-
Especially since we were arguing the night before too. We haven't really been getting along that well. But anywho, I ran for volleyball and sang for Chorus and danced with Bobby (*bleck*). It was ridiculous. But it was fun. It was definitely a lot more fun than rehearsals though. I got a major headache during that -- actually all that afternoon. I don't know, I was just pissed. There was way too much going on.
But after school got out I went with Vicky to her house because we were gonna go ice skating. Aside from the spring rolls that gave me an itchy throat (allergic reaction; this happened the last time I had spring rolls too! I think it's the hoisin sauce! It has sesame seeds in it. I'm allergic to sesame seeds. Or it could just be a psychological thing like because I saw shrimp I got paranoid and my body started reacting to it... I don't know, but I feel bad. Vicky's so sweet. Lol I wish I wasn't allergic to so many things...)
So aside from the spring rolls, I had fun with Vicky :)
Then we went to Frog Pond. I got out the car and like couldn't stop shivering. I saw Jannie and Christine... and then I saw Qui. And I asked him what he was doing there. And he said he came to see his girlfriend skate.
And after a few minutes of waiting in line I didn't want to be there anymore. So I left. I felt really bad for leaving, but I couldn't handle it. I hope I get another chance to skate with Vicky again. This is the second time we meant to (skate together) but never did :(

And I walked through the Commons in the cold. The trees were really pretty blowing in the wind. And I sat in the corner on the train. And I cried. Thank goodness for hoodies. Then I got to Forest Hills and waiting in the freezing cold for my bus. And right before I got on this girl asked me if I played volleyball and I nodded my head and showed her the front of my hoodie. Then I fell asleep on the bus and almost missed my bus stop. And I went to my room and crawled under the covers and slept. And slept. And my mom tried to wake me up. She was trying to massage my back from when I fell down the stairs last week... don't ask me why. Maybe I have some bruise on my back that I don't know about. But in my half-sleep state I told her to stop and rolled over and fell back asleep. Then I woke up at midnight. And I just lay on my bed for a while wishing I could fall back asleep so I wouldn't have to think. And after eating a bowl of cereal I'm wide awake. So I'm watching movies online. And yea. This is probably gonna be the worst Thanksgiving I've had... ever.

This (situation) is so stupid. I should've known better. And if only he weren't so... friendly. I sort of knew this would happen, but I didn't think it'd be this soon. I guess this just means I have more time to heal and get over it...
We were supposed to go to the mall on Friday, but if he doesn't say anything about it I don't think I'm gonna go. It sucks because he's like my closest guy friend. And now I'm in the perrrrr-dicament.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the right guy lol. Or maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. Volleyball and guys should stay separate. Forever. It's easier that way. For me anyway.

Or maybe I should just go lesbian lol.
Sigh, what am I gonna do? For the next couple hours, I mean. I already slept for 8+ hours. The more I stay up, the more I have time to think about things. And I don't want to think about things. Can't I just forget? Forget it all? Please? :'(

Happy Turkey Day guys. Have fun. Be thankful.
I guess I'm thankful for friends -- OTHER friends. But I don't even think I want to talk to them about it right now. I'll just lie to myself and deny it ever happened.
Anywho, blog ya later. I'm sure I'll blog more this weekend.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

If Only, If Only...

Wow, it's been a super long week. I'm starting to come home just COMPLETELY out of energy after school. Volleyball man... it's hard work.
So right now I'm recovering from being very upset, aggravated, annoyed, and frustrated. So many adjectives, all so true. It's some problem with another player on the team. Plus, this morning I found out that my dad took my laptop again. Argggggg. I'd rather not bawl my eyes out. I need to keep it together, but it's getting harder every day. If only that someone were here to give me a hug :|
If only things were completely different from the way they are now. If only my dreams and wishes came true *sigh*
Let's see how things go the rest of the week. I'll try to update this weekend.
Blog ya later, Xtina.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A Good Clean Feeling

So I just took a shower and I'm pretty comfortable right now. I got an XL tee-shirt on and some pajama shorts and it feels good on my skin. (I'm actually getting a little tired...) But somehow something still doesn't feel right. There's something on my mind and it's bothering me. I shall open up the gates of my mind and share, but be warned: this is mostly going to be about volleyball and boys, a certain boy that is.
Today was a long day. Yesterday afternoon I was set on not going to practice today, but

*3 hours and a bowl of food later*

Phew, I needed that nap. Anyway. But Vicky put me in a situation where I felt bad about not going (not on purpose). See, I was sorta kinda forced to go to a birthday lunch after practice for Kathy. And Vicky paid for me. And then later she gave me a dollar for the T... for today. I felt bad about having her pay for me so I made some cookies for her and the birthday girl and others and brought them today. Yesterday was so awkward though. First off, people kept asking me if I was okay, even Goofy! Honestly, I wasn't okay (emotionally that is), but I kept my mouth shut and just let out my anger through my hits. Then at the birthday lunch it was quiet and like no one was talking. Towards the end I noticed that Goofy and Jenny were holding hands under the table. That killed everything for me. I just wanted to go home at that point. After it was over I started walking to the train station when I heard someone call me down the street. I saw that it was Jenny and Goofy (who had come from a bakery) waving. I saw them but I kept on walking, I couldn't handle it anymore.
So yeah, today I went to practice for Vicky and like 3 other people, that's it. I got sweaty and stuff and practice ended early cuz we were kicked out of the gym. I was getting aggravated anyway. I was with Allan working on my hits, but I couldn't get it right. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it was pissing me off. Honestly, I knew I was never a great hitter (I just have a strong arm... and I'M TALL), but I still was down because of my inability to get it right. I mean, Jenny's hits are perfect, she doesn't need any correcting...
Then I had an appointment and I went back to BCNC to meet up with Tingtong and Cwong. We just wandered around. But when the guys came back from eating they wanted us to play volleyball. I had given my gym stuff to my dad to take home so I wasn't prepared and I didn't really wanna play with them anyway. Cwong and I got up to go to the auditorium but as I passed Goofy he tapped my arm and told me to get my stuff. I didn't even stop when he did that. I just kept walking and said I didn't have it. Then later I got on the train and walked home from Forest Hills again.
Things are just... awkward between Goo-Hung and I. Or maybe I'm making it awkward. I don't know. I can't help how I feel. And how do I feel exactly? I don't really know that either. As long as they don't start makin out at practice or around me, I thought I would be fine, but that might not be the case. I mean, I can't be mad at either of them. Hung just didn't like me. And Jenny, though she knew I liked him, she was the one... being chased. Hung wasn't gonna give up haha. So I can't be mad at anyone. I guess I'm still just disappointed that I wasn't the one who got picked. And that I have to see both of them around during volleyball season. I'm trying to avoid him (and sort of her) but that's not gonna work at all. He keeps talking to me. I guess he expects that things would stay the same between us, but obviously not. And he knows that. He legit asked me if I was okay. I was commenting on how one girl at tryouts was really good at passing and he said "And how about you?" I know he wasn't talking about volleyball -_-
*Sigh* I don't think we can be friends like we were before. I just... can't. Maybe I should take Ninja's advice on how to get over a crush and just start flirting with other dudes lol. Too bad I don't know how to flirt :p
So, advice to all guys out there. Don't flirt with a girl when you know nothing's gonna happen between you and her. She might get the wrong idea and fall head over heels and just get crushed. Save a girl a heartbreak and leave her be.

Now I wish I could talk about this with one of my friends, but I'm still stuck in this "I'm fine, I'm just tired" mode. Especially since I admitted that I wasn't okay to Vicky on AIM and she logged off right after. I was gonna talk to Tingtong on AIM today, but I don't know where she is. Oh well. All this pent up anger and frustration an be channeled into volleyball. Huie said I needed to get mad, to be a beast. Let's hope this season goes well :)
Now time to watch Buffy. THANK GOD there's no practice tomorrow. I need a weekend to recoup. Later.
Xtina<3

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Why So Serious?

There's this poster I put up on my closet door recently. It's of Joker from The Dark Knight writing "WHY SO SERIOUS?" in blood with his thumb. And he's drawing a bloody smile that looks like the one on his face...
I just thought that I'd share that. It used to be my brother's. He hung it behind the door of his room. Quickly after he moved, when my mom was putting away all his stuff, she took it down was about to throw it in the trash. But I saved it. I miss Malcolm. But hey, that's why phones were invented. No matter how bad my day went, when I talk to Malcolm it all gets better somehow :)
And I'm so glad he's been helping me with this whole college process. Heaven knows I never would've been able to do it on my own. I just wish that I didn't procrastinate as much. I want to make him proud... I found a book in my bookcase a while ago. Where The Wild Things Are. Malcolm gave it to me for my last birthday. I really wanted to go see the movie, for him to go with me, but we never got a chance to. So he got me the book :) And he wrote me a beautiful message in the back. My brother... I should really sit down and try to write that college essay about him I've been meaning to.
But anyway, I didn't want to ramble on about him. I wanted to also say that I am so SORE lol! I've only had captain's practice for the past two days. Yesterday, I was fine, but when I woke up this morning my butt was sore. Then I came home today (after walking home from Forest Hills) and my legs were so freakin sore! Bending my knees takes so much energy haha. But I'll get used to it. I love volleyball. I missed it haha<3
Unfortunately, I'm running out of cash FAST. I was able to save up $50 about 2 weeks ago. Now it's all gone. This sucks. It costs a lot of money to get to and from practice everyday. Plus I have to buy stuff to eat because there's nothing at home. And once again, I'm not getting allowance (more about that later). That's why I walked home from Forest Hills today. I thought it was a good workout. And of course it saved me money lol. (Not only that but my bus apparently doesn't run from 10:45- 11:55 on weekdays... LAME -_-) So I decided that I'll go tomorrow but then not go for the rest of the week since our practice keeps getting interrupted by little kids who use the gym anyway. This weekend I hope I'll be able to ask for like $10 to get a weekly pass or something for captain's practice next week.
So today after practice I watched Buffy and visited Lexy. She's so bored at home lol. The laziness must've emanated off of her and spread to me like a disease somehow while I was there because I found myself not having enough energy to even finish sentences coherently LMAO. Late at night my parents came back home. My mom was complaining that I didn't wash the dishes eventhough I was here almost all day while both my parents were at work for about 12 hours. Yes, my dad usually works like that, but lately my mom has been working late to make extra money. Bills bills bills :(
Being completely honest, there's like nothing to eat other than leftovers from Saturday (I'm surprised it lasted this long). And I'm afraid to ask for money because... well, they're struggling to make ends meet. True, they are supposed to be providing for me and making sure that I have everything I need, but I don't know... I just feel like a burden. But hey, in a sense all kids are I guess. Yea. Well, that's why I can't go out this weekend. No cash. Sorry. I'd really love to, but I can't.
Oh yea. And Lexy and I were talking today as she walked me home. We talked about our goals before graduating. Mine is simple: go on a date lol. I want to go on a serious date. I'm just waiting for the right guy, I guess. It's taking a while cuz most guys at our school are uhh... not very date-worthy haha.
Alright. Well I gotta get some sleep so I can wake up at like 6 for practice lol (so sad)... And I gotta get some reading done haha. That's me! Sleep deprived, procrastinating Christina lol. Sweet dreams all :)
Xtina<3

Sunday, August 15, 2010

When It's Over

Hello lovely blogettes. Good morning. Oh wait, good afternoon :)
I'm just gonna skip that whole "sorry I haven't been blogging" intro cause I realized that I'm just not an avid blogger. I'm not making anymore promises about blogging. I'm not setting myself up like that lol. I'll blog when I want! So take that Tiff! You and your frequent bloggers can go... blog. Hahah.
So... the end of summer is nigh! NOOOOO!

*25 minutes later*

Oh, haha. I went to go get some fruit salad. I was hungers (yes, I said hungers; it's my new word). But actually, I still am *grumble*
Anywho, the weather def isn't as hot as it was earlier this summer and I'm a tad bit disappointed about that. I'm still gonna go to the beach with Vtang and Jenn and Amy, but I feel like the weather should be high 80's or even 90's to go. That's the perfect beach weather for me (also, the perfect tan/burn weather lol). And I've heard that they want to go on a day closer to the start of school.... WHAT? lol
That seems absurd to me because summer = beach and sun and fun while the start of school = autumn and windy days and not much fun. Do you see my point? Plus, I'll be busy school shopping and book reporting. A week before school starts, that's when I'm in serious mode and I actually start to care about getting ready for school. Right now, I'm still in summer mode and I'm tryna have as much fun as possible in these last few summer weeks. That's all I want :)
But yea, that whole summer mode thing is probably the reason why I still haven't finished my essays lol. But hey, I know for a fact that probably 70% of our class hasn't done it either. We're all lazy (either that or we have better things to do).
I have the outline of my essays, I'm just not in the mind frame to be putting words together and forming smart-sounding sentences lol. I hate essays, I really do. But I'd better get used to them. I want to be a biomedical researcher. That means a LOT of lab reports... and essays. Great.

*30 minutes later*

Hahah. Sorry, I went to check on my cousins... and eat ice cream cake :)
Yesterday was my twin cousins' birthday...s? lol They turned 21! Yay! Though the pre-clubbing party was slightly lame (just them, some friends, and a couple of cousins eating food and cutting an ice cream cake -- yum), in the end, they had fun, which is great! They looked gorgeous. And the heels they were wearing... whooo! :D I still can't imagine myself going to a club though, like at all. I can't dance, like at all. And though I hate to think of myself as so, I'm slightly introverted. I'd rather spend my Friday/Saturday nights doing something fun with a few friends or even by myself, but at a club? I can't picture it. But who knows? Maybe my 21st birthday my sister will take - no, drag me to a club like she did for my cousins. Except. I don't really like my sister. So I don't see how that'll work. Honestly, when my sister made her entrance to the "party" last night, I wasn't happy. I saw her making her way in the house giving hellos and I made a face. I don't like to admit it. I felt bad for not being happier, but I couldn't help it. I can't help it. We were never close as kids. Never. Welllll... except for that one time....
It was back when we lived in the same room. I was around 10, making Dinah about 15...? Anywho, my parents were fighting in their room (which is right next to ours). And I started crying on my bed. Dinah was like putting away clothes or something and she saw me crying and she asked me what was wrong. She climbed into the bed with me and hugged me until I stopped crying. That was probably the ONLY time she ever comforted me. Thank God I have a brother to look out for me when so clearly she doesn't. My mom tells me that a sister is the most wonderful thing a girl could have. Easy for her to say because she has like 5 sisters she's all close with. I don't know. I'd love to patch up our relationship, but that just doesn't seem possible right now. Maybe one day. Maybe she'll surprise me on my 21st birthday and treat me like a loving, caring sister would.
But one other thing I remembered about her last night. When the adults were debating about which club to go to, my sister was the loudest and put in little tidbits of info about fake IDs and about which club was the best and on which days. I tried to control my disgust. She's just parties that much. Of course she would know everything about every club... smh.
But yea, speaking of birthdays, my mom gave me the best idea for my 18th birthday... SKYDIVING!!!!! :D I'm so excited for my birthday. It's gonna be -- better be awesome! It's on a Saturday so I hope to party all weekend long haha. Friday I'll hang with my friends and Saturday I'll have a party with my family. But yea, skydiving = awesome! It's on my list of things to do before I die. So it'll be great to get it done right before my birthday. The only problem is... my birthday's in the winter. And I'm not sure if you can still do it in the cold of winter. Regardless, I looked it up and there's like 5 places for New England. AWESOME. I can't wait.
Ummm. And lastly, I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer lately. My brother left pretty much all his DVDs when he moved. And he left his box set of Buffy. First, when my sister was still staying here, she watched it, but she left it open and since our cable has been shut off again, I thought that I may as well see what all the hubbub is about. And it's a pretty good show. I absolutely can't get enough of Angel <3 He's uber hot and he's so sweet! I wish I could find a guy as sweet and charming (and good-looking) as him. Oh yeah! And last night I got bored so I decided to look up ways to wear the ankle-length leggings my mom got me from Canada. The site said to wear them with boots or flats or heels. So I tried on a few outfits last night with my heels on and I must say that it was pretty cute. Even though I'm completely against the whole legging fad, I'm gonna try to wear what my mom bought me because well, she can't return it now and I shouldn't knock something before I try it. I was thinking about where I could wear my leggings and heels outfits too. I MIGHT just wear it to school one day haha. But aside from that, I'd love to wear them on a date. I like to dress girly in heels, but I never get the chance to do it because well, I never do that sort of stuff with friends and wearing heels would make me much taller around my friends than I already am. But if I could just find a guy tall enough, I'd love to dress up and strut around in heels by his side :)

And btw, I'm still reading my first summer reading book, 1984. It starts out incredibly slow, but it picked up after a while. And now I've gotten to a point in the book where he's reading Goldstein's book. I can't believe that Mr. Orwell would waste nearly 50 pages on that crap. It's so BORING! I find that I can only read it in 20 minute intervals because I tend to fall asleep. Sheesh. I don't need to read what he's reading! Get back to the action! I can't wait till I'm done with this book so I can move on and get my summer reading DONE. (Little fun fact: college kids don't have summer reading! ;) I almost can't wait for college just because of that haha)
Well, that's pretty much all I've got to say for now. I'm gonna go watch like two more episodes of Buffy then FINISH THOSE ESSAYS!
Blog ya later! Probably later on in the week because VOLLEYBALL STARTS TOMORROW! (Captain's practice, that is) I can't wait to touch that ball again and smash it one more season. And also finally face my fears of seeing Jenny and Goofy together. That should be fun... *sigh*

Xtina<3

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Feelings

This was something else I wrote in a note on my phone. It needs no explaining. I saved it because I thought that I should remember it. I don't know....

April 14, 2010
5:09 PM

I feel like crawling to my room and just hiding away from the world... but I've learned that you have to be brave sometimes and that some things are bigger than you. You gotta think about others and be there for those in times of need. I'm glad to do that if it's for my friends, those I love dear.

Random Kid

This was something I had in a note on my phone a while ago. Hahah. I just thought it should be in here :)
I was at the YMCA on one of the weight machines...

June 21, 2010
3:07 PM

Okay some RANDOM ass kid first waved at me as he was walking by I had no idea who he was so I didn't wave back (maybe he was waving at someone through the glass behind me?)
I let it go. But as he was walking out of the little office the walked in, he came over to me and FIST BUMPED. He said hi and I was like "...hi?" Then he left. Who the braided mo-fo was, I have no idea but I don't think I want to see him again...
o_o


LMAO. Good stuff. I have a feeling I met him at this Y Teen Leaders outing I went on. We went to a Red Sox game. Maybe he was the kid I was sitting next to? LOL. Oh well, I'll never know.

Fembot

I do what I must to survive,
to live.
I guard my heart with an iron cast
because maybe, just maybe
absence of emotion
is better.
This void permits no thrills
or runs of sudden, ecstatic happiness.
But there aren't any
heart-wrenching depressions either.
There are no letdowns.
For if I have nothing to hope for
I won't be disappointed
not to get it.
So when you see me next
I will be ready.
I will be armored.
Emotions will be contained.
They have to be for me to move on.
Maybe, just maybe
this void will grant me peace.
Still
the sad part is:
fembots have feelings too.
So when everyone disappears
and I'm left to my own devices,
that's when the metal melts away
and the core is exposed.
Emotions are let loose
and the fembot cries.


What no one ever told ya, was you can cry when you get older...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Sooo. This is Summer.

Hello all! Sorry I haven't been updating. I'm lazy. I could lie and say that I've been very busy for the past couple of weeks, but I won't. There have been times when I started writing a little something to post on here or even in a note on my iPod, but I never seem to finish them. I just have this thing where if I'm gonna post something, it has to be complete and good. But I guess I should get over that because to write a good blog it takes me like an hour or so. So from now on I'll try to one, keep it simple, two, shorten it, and three, post even if I don't finish. Are you happy?
Haha. I'm sorry. I know that you all love to see the monkeys on my page (but hate that the first words you see are F U, lol). I promise to post at least once a week, I'll try to at least (that would be number four in that little list above).
For those of you who are new followers, I must tell you that even though you are all friends, I'm still private about my blogs. I try to use nicknames when I talk about people. Sooner or later you'll figure out who they are.
On that note, Sushi said that she doesn't like blogging lol. I doubt she's going to be updating any time soon (if at all!). Now with that being said, on with the blog!

Hiiii! I'm back :D
Hmmm. But when I think of interesting stuff to write about nothing comes to mind. Unfortunately, I haven't been doing much lately. For the past... let's say two weeks, I've mostly stayed in my house watching TV and movies. It's not fun -- anymore.
Phew. Now I'm getting tired. But I have to give updates so I guess I'll just highlight stuff that happened previously and then tell you what happened today.
*runs upstairs to get the big calender on her desk*
Muahahaha! I knew there was a good reason why I've been writing down what I do everyday. By the start of each school year I usually find myself answering "Not much" when people ask what I did during the summer. However, I figured that if I wrote everything down, I would see exactly what I did and when. And now I can use it for my blogs! Hahaha.
Anywho, let's see... During the last week of school I went to Dedham mall with Sushi where we saw Jenn (they hit it off great! lol). I had a "date" with Vicky and Tingtong (and Tony) which was funnn! It was my first time eating froyo at Red Mango (yummy, but expensive). I got a smoothie and went to Gally with Sushi (more malling hehe). Again, the smoothie was yummy but expensive. I had an amazing day with Rose, Derek, and Sushi. We went to Cheers and ended up just wandering around having the BEST time :D I can't wait to do it again with karaoke, though I now know that Rose is a horrible event planner. I volunteered at the Red Cross Food Pantry with people from the Y. That was a great experience too (especially with the yummy chocolates they gave us afterwards). I went to Blue Star with my dad for brunch (more yummy food). Then I went to JFK beach twice in a row with Vicky and Tingtong and others lol. My dad wasn't too happy about that. But I still had fun... the first day that is. The second day was sorta kinda crappy. I cried *sigh*
JULY. I made delicious strawberry banana muffins early in the morning then went to Gally with Vicky (had to wait a VERY long time >_>). I went to the movies with my mom and dad and saw Toy Story 3 and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Avatar could've been better, but Toy Story was AWESOME! I'm a little sad it's over. I spent the Fourth (my favorite holiday!) with my bestie. We had a little cookout. I wish things were different between us... Then I went to see the fireworks with the Gang.
Yeaaaaa.... after that (it's like I said, for the past two weeks -- since last Monday) thigns have been pretty boring. I used to ride my bike, but I can't anymore because it broke -__-"
And I've only gone to the Y once in the past week or so. I have no money to take the T. I'm not getting allowance for the meantime. How am I supposed to keep my membership? Better yet, how am I supposed to stay in shape for volleyball??! I'm sitting around this house doing nothing productive all day. I mean, if I can't go anywhere I could at least be reading summer reading books or finishing my application for that job or writing my college essays or reading the driver's manual or best of all, I could be making my list of colleges and visiting schools. Ugh procrastination and laziness makes one hell of a curse.
I always say that I'm going to do great things, but it never happens. I disappoint myself sometims, smh. I will change. It's inevitable, I am human. Anywho, where was I? Right, what I did today.
Today I woke up at 10:30. (I've been setting my alarm clock to around that time in the morning because waking up at noon doesn't feel good anymore. Unfortunately, I still end up sleeping at like 2 in the morning. Well, 8 hours of sleep is good enough I guess. I just have to train my body.) I took a shower, made some eggs, watched Phineas and Ferb (my favorite show!), then went on my laptop to update the songs in my library. Later around 6 I went to Sushi's place and had a little picnic and played video games haha. That was fun. Then I came back here, took a shower and started blogging :)
I wonder what I'll do tomorrow. I think I'll read a bit. There are still a bunch of things to do this summer (even if I didn't get to do the other things on my list): karaoke, Pour House, the beach, Sushi's birthday, movie/pizza party, sleepover. Plus all those other serious things of course. Right now, I'm painting my nails while listening to the CDs Sushi let me borrow. She's right, B.O.B.'s CD is nice :)
So um, I'm gonna post up the last poem I finished and them maybe those other half finished posts Inever got around to haha. Alright, nighty night!
Sorry this is so long, I promise the next update won't be so long :\

Bye blogging losers! :D
Xtina<3

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Lazy Bum...

FUCK YOU!
So just now my dad called me a lazy bum infront of my cousins and their mom. Thank you, so much (which I actually did say). I mean, it's okay to call me that around immediate family, but anyone outside that... that's just wrong. The reason so many of my cousins are over is because they're helping prepare for my sister and my cousin's graduation cookout/party tomorrow. My dad said it wasn't a party, but he's wrong. This is gonna be another classic Joseph family cookout. Big.
What I hate most about these parties is the day before. All the aunts and people come over and take over the kitchen like they own the place. Sooo annoying. (Or maybe it's just me, I have issues.) anywho, the best part is obviously seeing all my cousins and family. And the food and all the conversations. It's the best of times and the worst of times...
But this all reminded me of Malcolm and how he's most likely not coming tomorrow for my sisters graduation or the party. I really wish I could see him right now. I could use a slightly awkward hug.
*moment to recoup*
Sighhh. So my dad asked me "don't you feel bad that everybody is working except for you?" To which I responded no and he called me a lazy bum. I'm it mad because what am I gonna do?! (acually, I just realized that I could vacuum the stairs because my mom told me to do it this morning... I'll do it right after this post. But back to the main point...) I just found out that we were having a cookout here TWO DAYS AGOOO! Jesus! You could at least warn a girl. Plus, everybody has something to do already. I'm not goin outside and I can't cook. You uys are just gonna fix whatever else I do so what's the point?
And as a result I am up in my room staying away from everybody else. I don't want to deal with this. I didn't plan to have this party. Call me when he actual party starts. Call me when he fun starts. Call me when Malcolm gets back home...

-Xtina

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I Thought Wrong. There's Always A Downside.

So I thought that I'd be able to handle today but I was wrong.  
OMG! EWWW! I guess I was standing to close to the edge of the roof because I just felt drops of something fall on me. I'm guessing it was pigeon pee (do they even pee???). Ugh! If some sort of mutant cancerous growth starts forming on my hand, you'll know why. Anywho, where was I...
I thought that I'd be able to handle today, but I was wrong. I'm almost can't wait for next year now. Sigh. I have no idea how I went through this before (because pretty much the samething happened to me in middle school; except then, my freind--my best friend-- actually went out with the guy). If you haven't figured it out by now I'm talking about Hung.
So today was a pretty good day. I felt a lot better than I have been feeling all week. We did pretty much nothing in our classes because there's still AP testing. So I spent most of the day reading Runaways. And I finished it too! Lexie wants to read it now >:) I'm gonna give it to her tomorrow when we have our movie night. I sorta want to sleep over too, but idk. And Qui wants to read the second one so I'll give it to him after I'm done with it haha, probably Monday. And though I didn't talk to Cwong all day (I think she waved at me once in the stairwell but I kept walking, I felt soooo bad!), afterschool when I was waiting for Emmi and taking pics with Vthong, she talked to me!!! :D really sad sounding, but it's the truth. Of course she talked to Vthong first, but it's something. I hate how we act like strangers :(
Yeah, so afterschool Emmi and I went to go get he Build-a-Bear/senior gift for our group for Phi. And we met up Jenny... and Hung at Ruggles. At first it was okay. He's a funny dude (and Emmi too!) so conversation wasn't awkward or anything.  But by he end of the day Hung and Jenny were tires and... I dint even want to say it. Because I know it sounds ridiculous, but just one movement can hurt a lot it if you really like a person :( and this morning I walked up the stairs but Sarah C2 wasn't there and the only other person I knew was Hung who was sitting by himself so I sat wig him. Then later Cwong came and that made it extra awkward ugh.
Anywho, I hunk I'm just gonna stay away from him now... or at least when Jenny's around. I can't handle it.
But aside from the Hung and Jenny situation, today was a pretty good day. I'm just really hungry! I can't wait to get home and eat some foooooooodddddd! You can't buy much with only one dollar in your wallet, even if you are at McDonalds.
Oh, this is my bus stop. Blog you later.
Xtina
:\

P.S. (I'm at home) I realized that love really is a losing game. In the end, you still lose your love. Always. Welllllll, maybe not always. But aside from relationships like in The Notebook, you do.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Ehh.

I'm still sad. And it's really starting to show now. People keep asking me "are you okay?" and I just answer "yeah" or "I'm fine", but I'm getting tired of lying. I'm in serious need of a pick-me-up. Someone needs to take me out and help me be happy again... Or I need to stop moping around and get over whatever it is that's bothering me. Sigh. Junior year absolutely sucks.
Tomorrow is my AP English test, yay! I barely learned a thing from that class. Except probably not to take AP classes. (Stupid me, I signed up for AP Biology...) So wish me good luck because I know I'll need it. Sighhhhh.

So today. Before going to lunch I stopped by the bathroom to take out my retainer and guess what I see? I walk in and I see at least 6 girls just sitting there. One girl pulled in a chair from the cafeteria, another two are sitting next to the windows, and two others are sitting with their feet ON THE SINKS. Like WHAT THE FUCK?! There was this one girl who had just come out of the bathroom and was washing her hands so I had to wait to use the ONLY OTHER SINK. Stupid little bitches. They must have no lives. One chick was doing her homework. I mean, if you're gonna skip class don't just hang out in the bathroom, go leave school or something. UGH! The underclassmen piss me off SO MUCH. The things they do... >_<"
And you know how when you walk in a bathroom full of a group of gossiping girls they all stop talking? That's what happened. I mean, it's embarrassing enough that I had to take out and wash my retainer in front of them. But I could feel their stares. AGH! Sometimes I really hate how girls act. Punk-ass bitches. I was so mad (obviously I still am). I wanted to start a fight, but clearly that wasn't the best option lol. I'll just let them run the school into the ground I guess. I don't know. Smh, what that school's becoming...

And afterschool I learned that the guys had a home game against Madison. So I stayed for a bit, but after a while I felt all sad and depressed again. Bobby and I were gonna pass, but Linh sauntered in and they talked for like 20 minutes. Next thing I know Jenny came in and he started passing with her... and Hung joined in... and Vicky. So disappointed and disheartened by the rush of much prettier girls that flowed in the gym, I walked around for a bit. I ended up at the top of the bleachers on the other side of the gym just listening to music. Ironically, just the people I wanted to avoid, Hung, Jenny and them were passing in front of the very same bleachers. Great. Luckily Vthong was there to keep me company for a while. I lay down for most of the game and I left at around 3:30 to catch the 14.
But that referee lady stopped me before leaving. She reminded me again that I was very beautiful (a great way to cheer up someone's day -- I think I'm going to start doing that, giving people compliments daily; as long as it brightens someone's day, I'm glad to do it). Then she told me that she was gonna get one of the coaches to contact me. But I told her I didn't know how I was gonna get all the way to Foxboro for all the games. She she ended it just saying to forget it. She said that I should focus on my studies. I should've told her that I did really want to do it, just that transportation was just going to be a problem... but Hung came over and I already wasn't in a good mood so I just left. And I opened the door to find the 14 drive by. So I had to take the train home. I thought about going back in to take the train home with Qui, but I didn't know if he was going anywhere afterwards and I really didn't want to see everybody's faces again so I just went home.

Is it weird that I forget all my problems at home (as long as my dad doesn't start any argumentative conversations with me)? I ate some food and watched Law and Order: SVU. I felt almost happy. Hmmm. Maybe it's just the whole school environment....

Anywho, I have to go study and do other work. A lot of stuff planned for the next two days... And my mom. She scared me this morning. Her arthritis is getting worse... Ttyl.
Xtina<3

P.S. I didn't talk to Cwong at the game... and she didn't talk to me. That makes me REALLY sad :'(
What happened?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Darkness in the Valley

I have all this pent frustration growing inside of me. I hate it. And I can't shake this chapfallen feeling of mine. I really miss my brother and my bestie. I talked to Malcolm on the phone yesterday for about an hour. That was probably the happiest I've been all week. Right next to that afternoon I spent with Vthong, of course :)
But within the following hour of our conversation, those good feelings all went away. Like my status said, I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day... sighhh.
So in an attempt to tighten my retainers, my mom messed up my bottom one. And it doesn't fit anymore. And we can't do anything about it because she refuses to go back to my orthdontist because they gyped her outta a lot of money. So I'm just gonna wear the top ones I guess. I mean, the whole reason I got braces was for my gap. As long as I wear the top retainers nothing will happen, right?
And my sister just came for a visit. She can be very annoying. She kept saying that I should be doing resumes and stuff. Like, my god! Can I at least take the SATs first?!
Then there's the renovation my mom is doing in Malcolm's room. And my guinea pigs are now shacking in my room. And I don't have bedding to clean the cage. And I have to keep the window open even in the freezing temperatures of the night because the cage smells so much. And I have to take the stupid AP English test. That class was the worst decision of my high school career. And I know I got an F for Chemistry this term. And my dad keeps hinting how I'm going to have to go to summer school or repeat the grade. I mean, really? Nice to know how much faith you have in me. Coming from the person who taught me himself. Does he think he raised an idiot? And there's just so much out of whack in this house and in my head. I don't know how I keep up with it all. There's so much I still haven't done. There's so much more to do. Volunteering, getting a job. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years doing absolutely nothing. I come home and find myself at 11 o'clock having done absolutely nothing. And I hate myself for not living up to my full potential. To all the goals I set for myself and my family. And I feel like bursting into tears but I can't. The most I can get is a tear to slide down my cheek. I mean, yes there are matters much worse than mine. There are so many more hardships. So it's probably good that I've kept it together for so long. But one of these days there will come along something that will completely flip over my boat. I'm waiting for the day when I'll fully bawl my eyes out. It could come anytime, unexpected. So I should live my days to the fullest. I should really take my own advice.
But I still can't get past this mountain of unhappiness. I'm waiting for something to happen to cheer me up. But maybe I should get up myself and start taking strides. I'm the one who's keeping myself in such a crestfallen mood. I have the ability to create happiness for myself. So why aren't I doing it?

So this is my little rant. My little diary entry of sorts. You've gotten a glance of the true me. The me that I hold back from everyone else. The me that few people know. The me that I try to mask with a smile. But my mask is fading and sooner or later I'll have to face my problems and myself. Sooner or later I'll have to grow up, with or without Malcolm and/or my bestie.

Right now, I think the only thing that would make me even a smidge bit happier would be to talk to Twinn again or to make sure Ninja (and Twinn) are truly happy and well. Whatever I can do just to see them be themselves again...

Phew, that was a lot. I never thought my life was very interesting, but now I see that I have just as much drama as any other teen. The difference is that I don't broadcast it, I keep it inside in denial of the truth... Okie doke. Now time for homework. Later.

Xtina. Cjoe. Kandi. Monkee. Twinn <3
Jifly and jifmy.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Chapfallen.

So this week has been pretty much horrible. Sometime over the weekend, I started missing my best friend. (And yes, I realize that I still call her that even though we both realize that we aren't anymore.) She visited on Sunday to drop off a gift, a Jonas Brother's bag. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. (I just wish I had a decent enough gift to give her! It was her birthday that recently passed...) She is my best friend because she knows me. She knows my history (hell, she's been apart of it since the 2nd grade!). She knows my family. She knows my reactions. She knows my likes and dislikes (and even shares most of them). Sometimes I feel like she knows me far better than I even know myself... But she left. We went our separate ways (hopefully to return to each other again someday). And as she departed, she took a piece of me. I miss her soooooo much.
This week I realized that no matter how much time I spend with people from my school, no matter how nice they are, none of them will ever know me as well Blake does. I can't just start talking about my family because none of them will ever know them as well as Blake does. I can't just start talking about my crushes because I don't trust... many (not all) of them completely, without a doubt, as I did with Blake. (Yes, there are people that I trust there, but they are young. Or I don't want to worry them. And still, none of them know me as well as... you guessed it, Blake.)
But when I had major things on my mind, if not Blake, I knew that I could always go to Malcolm, my brother. He had definitely been there all my life. If not Blake, he absolutely knew me best of all. He understood me and helped me the best he could. After Blake and I split, he was there. In the middle of the night when I was still doing homework he would come home from work and ask me about my day. He would be concerned about my work, pay attention to it. He would persuade me to go to bed. He was my rock. But then he too left. He moved to Texas and although I can still talk to him on the phone or via email, it's not the same as face to face. He's not here to see what's happening and I can't call him everyday with my every concern, he's having a hard time managing down there on his own...
So that's what's been going on this past while. I lost the two people that know me best (other than my mother). And now I'm in my own way of completely opening up to people. When all the pressures started building I felt like I had no one to talk to (because if it's not Blake or Malcolm, I may as well not be talking at all, it won't help). It's my own fault. I can talk to others, but it just wouldn't feel right. And I miss my brother and my best friend so muchhhhh!

Sigh. That's what's been going on with me this past week. Honestly, there's so much in my mind that I can't make a coherent thought out of any of it. It's like a huge invisible weight...
Not only that, but Twinn's been concerning me. We don't talk much anymore and it makes me sad. She was one of the few people that I trusted at school. I still do trust her, but since... she doesn't say much to me. I know she's been thinking about it, but I can't pry open her thoughts. Especially the other day when I noticed something, but she wouldn't tell me about it. And it scared me a little because it reminded me of something else another person I trust did. I don't know. I'm confused and lacking sleep and behind in homework. And this is the end of my junior year. I;m going to college soon. I need to volunteer, get a job, and start saving up.
Oooowww... there goes that weight again.

But hey, the good part is that today at JV practice (because I missed the bus to go to the varsity game in Brighton), I had so much fun with Vthong. I laughed for the first time in a long time. She had me running around like I was a kid again. That high lasted all the way through the afternoon, all the way until about an hour after I uploaded the pictures (I think I said something to make Twinn upset D:). But anywho, I was happy. And I hope that stays with me through tomorrow because there's only one more day to this week. After that, sleep and relaxation and recouping (and a call to Malcolm). I thank Vthong dearly for spending time with me. She has no idea how much it turned my week around :)

Well since it's a bit too late to finish homework, I think I should take a shower and go to bed. Nighty night :)

P.S. To those who may be reading this, don't over think all of this. I just needed to get it off my chest. And if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to get inside my brain. I'll come talk to you when I'm ready. Until then, a simple "How was your day" will suffice.

P.S.S Oh yea. I forgot to talk my crushes.... Honestly, fiance (or rather ex-fiance because he broke up with me haha) makes me jealous sometimes. And I'm sure that sounds odd to you all, but it's true. He hangs out with a different girl every other day. Or even worse, the same girl. I get jealous and try to remind myself that we still have a great friendship lol. Then again, all of this jealousy won't last long. After he graduates and after this year, my major crushes will be gone. What will I ever do then? (Haha. I'll probably find someone else to like. Stupid crushes. They never end well...)

P.S.S. Alright, that's it. Good night :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Kill The Messenger

"Oh my God, this hurts like hell..."
Hahah. The opening lines of the song Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. I discovered them again a couple weeks ago and I've been all over them since. I love their songs! :D
But yea. I saw his name on my feedback when I logged on Facebook and those feelings came rushing back again. Sigh. It feels like I'm never going to get over him. I'm sure I will (I mean, I got over all the others, right?), but it's so hard. I have to see him all the time (which I sort of don't mind because he is very good looking lol), but I have to see him with other girls. I have to see him talking about his girls. I have to see him with Jenny.
Malcolm saw my last poem, It Had To Be You. I read over it and at first I couldn't believe that I could really be in such an emo mood, but right about now I completely understand... I understand my own feelings again haha. I sound so crazy. That's what boys do to you girls, stay away from them lol. It's impossible to stay away from them so I won't even try. I'm just going to have to learn and live... and eventually love.
Speaking of, there's something wrong with Twinn. I suspect it has something to do with Ninja because the word love is in like every other status update, but I guess I'll just wait until she says something to me. It's really none of my business.

I've been in this house for the past like 5 days sitting on the couch watching Heroes. By the way, it's not that great. I'm still debating on whether I should continue to watch the second season or not though lol. Anywho, I really need to get out of this house. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. I need fresh air. I need to get my stuff together...
What else... Well, I made a list of things to do for this week. I just hope I get them done.

I need an adventure. I need a change. Give me excitement! Give me fun! Give me... something to look forward to. Scratch that. Remind me of my future, my possibilities. I'm seventeen! I feel as though I should be doing so much more... UGHHHHH! I'm going to lose it if I stay in this house another day!

Oh yea! P.S. I made some strawberry banana pancakes this afternoon. Oh my goodness, they looked amazing! And they didn't taste that bad either haha. Well, that's all. There's not much I can talk about if I've done nothing. So I'll write again when I finally get out of this house.

Love, Monkee<3

Saturday, April 17, 2010

B-I-T-C-H

Tonight's topic is jealousy guys lol. But an overview of yesterday first.
Yesterday I went to the guys' home game against Brighton. I wasn't in that great a mood so I grabbed my coat and my umbrella and headed for the door to go for a walk, but one of the refs stopped me and asked if I would do line judge. Sighhhh. I didn't want to, but no body else would so I said yes. I had a bad experience with being line judge before. In the intensity of the game, somehow I crack under the pressure if the call is up to me. I did before and I swear throughout the rest of the game I felt everyone's eyes filled with hate just trying to burn holes in me.
But anywho, this time it wasn't that bad. The ref was really nice. She kept telling me that I was beautiful and how I could/should be a model and how I should do Bay States (which I was planning on applying for anyway) and how I could go far because "you can't teach tall" (Thomas was the first to tell me that!) :D
Before leaving, I gave her my information to keep in contact. Dang, she really boosted my confidence :)
Then stuff happened and I took the train alone only to ride the bus home with my dad.The moral of the story is that I feel great now. Oh, what just a few kind words can do...

Yadda yadda yadda. Now back to the main topic. Today I was invited to two parties. One was Amy's, a friend of Vtang's. I've met her a few times, but I still don't really know her that well. I could've gone to Fire and Ice to celebrate her birthday, but I didn't. Then the other was Jenny's, a teammate (this is the first time I'm actually using her name). Her birthday was last week, but her house party got cancelled last weekend so she was gonna have one today and I was invited. I like Jenny, she's cool. I respect her lots, but being completely honest, I was having doubts about going. I would've gone to build a better relationship with her, to get to know her better. I would've gone to see Goofy and other friends... But then again I didn't want to go because I'm jealous of Jenny, just kinda slightly less than half of a lot. Honestly. The guy I like(d) fell for her instead of me. She's strictly AWESOME at volleyball. She gets the grades. She has loads of friends. She is Jenny.
Then again, I think about it and I'm glad I'm not her. How else am I supposed to learn? Haha. Idk, jealousy sure can be a bitch. I'm not even sure if it is jealousy that I'm feeling. Maybe it's just a really high respect? Who knows.
And then again, I also would've felt awkward going to the party because of a few of Jenny's friends. The girls. You know those girls that you see that are just SO BEATIFUL? And you expect them to be bitches and snobs, right? But from what I can see, these girls aren't... I think.
Yea. Well, I'm just glad that ref boosted my confidence the other day. It helps majorly right about now (funk soul rubber lol). Ummmm, I think that's all I wanted to say. Oh! And this morning two songs were stuck in my head: Today Was A Fairytale and Need You Now. They are so beautiful! Hahah, that seems to be the word of the night. Alright, well it's time for me to read and sleep. Blog you soon lovelies! Jifly! :)