Lately the truth has been shown to me. And the truth hurts.
Lately, I haven't been doing well in school (I'm mostly concerned with my AP English class here).
Lately I haven't been doing the work.
Lately I've been feeling like a failure, like there's too much for me to do.
And Friday afternoon fiancee and I were passing out in the courtyard of our school during practice. And she asked me what was happening with English. Why haven't I been doing the work? What's going on with me? Pretty much all the things that my brother and I were talking about the night before except with her I felt like even more of a failure. With Malcolm, he said it was okay because it's a rigorous course. Next time I know not to take an AP class. Just try my best. It's never too late to try. But with fiancee, she was bombarding me with questions that I half knew the answer to, but I didn't want to say the answers to because I would've felt incompetent, like I was a disappointment to her (not like I don't already feel like I'm disappointing my parents). I was about to cry. Partially because of the wind, but mainly because I knew I could be doing better. I still can.
Then she said that I changed. She asked me where that optimistic Christina went. And that hit me hard. Like my mom used to say that to me, and it sorta hurt. But it hurt a whole lot more when my best friend Blakey said it, in the same phone call that broke us up. And it hurt a third time when my fiancee said it. It builds up overtime.
I don't feel like I've changed. I don't want to either because I feel like I'd lose all the great relationships I have now... just like with Blakey. And already fiancee and I haven't been talking much or hanging out anymore. She said because I hang out with Ninja and Twinn. And I don't know what to think. I'm still stuck on the whole "you've changed" thing.
After that, practice sucked for me. I kept walking through the halls of the school thinking. And I went back in the gym only to sit on the top bleachers and walk out again near tears. I held it together though. I helped Thomas again. I passed him volleyballs for his drill. Then right before I left I practiced hitting with ____. Her sets are awesome. I just feel bad that she has to give up hitting to be setter since she's like the only good one... She's a good hitter too :\
Then I went home and received an iPhone (heck yeaaaaaa!). I was playin around with all the cool stuff on it when Blakey aimed me. We talked for a bit and it really hit me how I know nothing about her now. If anything, she's the one who changed, not me. She has a new boyfriend (surprise!). "His name is Darius. His favorite color is purple and his favorite number is 5." Sadly, that's all I know about him.
I think the reason I think she changed so much is because when we were together, I changed her. She's lived through some extremely rough times and with me, I made her see the better parts of life. I don't know. Now she talks about horrible things. And I realize that that was the way things always were, I just never saw it. But the things she says... it's as if I never knew her at all ;_;
So much for best friends forever. I should stop using those words. That's the second time I've ruined a wonderful relationship.
Yes, so the truth and realizing that really got me down. Friday was a roller coaster day...
Today was alright. I went on errands with Malcolm. And I got stuff for my iPhone. So now he can get my shuffle since his iPod got stolen a while ago :\
I just hope I don't lose this iPhone O_O
So yes, I may have changed academically. I think I've lost my motivation. I've lost my purpose in school. I have a dream and I want to achieve it. Maybe I need to remind myself just how much I want it. Or why I want it. I gotta get it together. This is junior year, the most important of all! Grrrrr! Get it back, girl! Get it together! Get... it... together. Keep it together. You can do it ;_;
I watched one of my favorite movies today, Spirited Away. The last time I watched it, it made me cry. And I cried a bit watching it today too. She leaves all her friends in the end... that always gets me. I don't know what I'd do if I the relationships with my friends. I'd wither into a lifeless thing, I guess.
Sighhh. Just because we don't talk anymore doesn't mean I don't care about you... This hurts me more than you'll ever know.
Tomorrow is my chance to start things right (academically). If I want it bad enough, I'll get it... I hope.