This kid... gets under my skin. As much as I hate it, he does. I think of how he's forever wearing unattractive swishy pants and how he's practically addicted to the gym, but when we're talking I can't help but smile. Malcolm has told me too many times never to get in a bad relationship. And the fact that he's obsessed with his weight and working out are clear signs that something's not right and that it wouldn't work if something did happen but... but... he's so darn sweet. Slightly annoying at times, but just a pure lump of sugar. Mr T was telling me the other day on the train that this kid has extremely low self-esteem. That he's really lonely. That he basically lives alone at home, never getting to see his parents. That he has problems. But who doesn't? I mean I'd like to think that I can help fix his problems. Or at least try...
Then I asked Mr T why he was telling me all this (after I told him that I sorta liked this kid) and he said that he guessed he was a little jealous. Of what? That the kid lives in a two-floor home while T lives in a one-floor one? That the kid doesn't have perfect teeth and T does? That the kid has never had a girlfriend and got his heart crushed causing him to cut while T has had at least 3, his current relationship going well? What's there to be jealous of? Actually I'm getting a little mad thinking about it. T needs a good slap back to reality.
But yeah. I don't know about this kid. There's not much physically attractive about him, but personality speaks to me and his personality is... singing a sweet song in my ear. Yeah, that's a bad analogy lol. Maybe I pity him because of his battered heart? But I found an interest in him before that girl broke his heart. Then again I did know about his girl troubles before I befriended him. Or maybe I just like our flirty banter. Do I like him for the wrong reasons? I think that's what upsets me the most. Because I know when someone likes me I would want them to like me for me. And I wouldn't want to do anything different for anyone else. Sigh, stupid boy.
I hate this feeling, how one person makes me so happy.. and they don't even know it. I hate crushes (I always end up getting crushed). When I fall for someone I want it to be mutual. I don't want to waste my time thinking about some guy who'll never be anything more than a friend to me. That makes sense, right? I'm not crazy for feeling this way? I'm not crazy for shielding my heart and disguising my emotions rather than wearing my heart on my sleeve? (Because rejection just hurts too much.)
Do you see? He has my doubting myself!