Monday, March 28, 2011

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

So basically all this afternoon I've been talking to... that stupid boy on Facebook chat and AIM. It started with him apologizing for not peppering with me at practice like he said he would (since he didn't on Saturday). Then we "argued" about who would add who on AIM. I asked him to add me first but he wanted me to add him and I didn't want to because well, I don't wanna be the one making all the "moves" (if you call exchanging instant messaging usernames a move). Yea so in the end he added me and started the convo there (*muahahahaha*). We talked about practice and his playing. Then we started talking about... love? Or girls or something. It went something like this:
"Just wait a bit longer, the right girl will come your way."
"I've been waiting for 17 years! 17 long years."
"You make it sound like a life and death situation. I'm in the same boat as you. Right next to you. Except I'm 18."
"LOL You just need to stop rejecting guys."
"If that's the case, you need to stop rejecting girls!"

And it went on. Then he starting listing what he wants in a girl: Asian, cute, long hair, nice smile, not abusive, young...
He said he doubted any girl out there likes him. Now him saying that to me sounds absurd so I said "You'd be surprised" to which he replied "Surprise me." He didn't believe me that I knew there was a girl who liked him but I kept insisting it. So naturally he wanted to know who. I absolutely won't tell him it's me (at least not yet) so I just said I couldn't say. And now he wants hints. So now I'm stuck trying to prove to him that there is a girl who likes him while not letting him know it's me. Great.

Do you see the mess I've gotten myself into? Today in French class I was bored so I started doodling and my mind wandered to him. And I drew lots of hearts. =x
I told him that since he already has a set dream girl in mind he wouldn't like who the actual person is but he still wants to know. But at the same time its like he got a boost of confidence from this "mystery girl", which is awesome. I ended up calling him (don't ask) and he wouldn't give it a rest. He wants details. I know for a fact that the girl being young and having longish hair is important to him (pedo status, I know, it sorta creeped me out too). So should I tell him what he wants to hear or just slowly give general details about myself? Either way he'll still want to know who it is. I hadn't thought about it before picking up the phone but he asked hard questions like "Is she Asian? What kind of hair does she have? Do I know her? Do we talk? Does she like volleyball? Is she thin or fat?" and I had no idea how to answer so I just kept saying that I couldn't tell him. What do I do? D:
I'm not ready to spill my feelings. Because if I do I'm fairly sure I'll get rejected or I'll lose a friend. (There's only one guy I've told my feelings to and we've still stayed good friends and that's Frank-o-bean. I don't think this kid is mature enough or has the right mindset to handle it.)
I'm thinking that I'll just give him like a hint a day, very broad, general hints. Brown eyes, not short but not long hair either, talks to you, thin... that sort of stuff. Maybe by then he'll lose interest? Or not. I highly doubt he has any idea it's me. He's just hyped up by the fact that someone likes him. And that gives me second thoughts about him. Yes, there's the whole workout thing but I realize that he's seriously desperate to get a girl. That's why he pushes himself so much in the gym. That's like the only thing on his mind. And that's upsetting to me. How can I form a relationship with, much less even like, someone who isn't happy with just themselves? You have to like yourself before you can like anyone else. Or else it'll never work. I don't know.

Do you see all this trouble and worry? This is why I dont like crushes or "liking" someone. All these confusing, conflicting emotions that I can't control and it all just leads to one result: letdown. When I finally do open my heart, it gets shoved back in my face. I hate it. I hate this. And I hate that that stupid boy is doing it to me. He has no idea...

I have an idea. If I just stay away from Asian guys in general would I be able to save my heart from situations like this?

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