Tuesday, January 31, 2012
But Facebook is a horrible representation of real life. Even if you're thinking about one of your friends, the chance that you'll write something on their wall or send them a message or even comment on something of theirs is very low. I know this because I do it all the time - or rather, I don't do it.
So in the end, logging on yet again into Facebook just results in my feeling sad and ignored and forgotten. But no matter what I do, even if I deactivate my profile, I can't fight the urge to not log on. Circle of bad addiction, I guess.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Malcolm tells me that it's unhealthy. And I'm starting to believe him.
Because the more I think about it, the more I see that holding grudges is what's breaking my relationships with those I love.
I need to learn to let go.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I feel so accomplished! ...except for the fact that I forgot all my towels back at home. All I have here are my little face towels. I'm hoping my roommate gets back soon so I can ask to borrow one of her towels. I'm in need of a shower. And now that I took a few pictures of my work, I think I should wash my face now lol.
So far I'm liking the way things are going. Let's hope my classes tomorrow go well too.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
This movie was really cute. It made me laugh and, unlike Young Adult, in the scenes where no words were spoken I didn't question the point of the movie or why I was watching it. It was sweet. Plus the dog is adorable. I would definitely recommend this one.
I've actually seen this movie before, I just forgot how powerful it was. It's hard to believe that that genocide actually happened (though, honestly, it's hard to believe a lot of stuff happens in the world today, smh). Excellent for a reality check. Not so fun when you're alone in your room with the lights off at 3 in the morning... Still, learn some history from Hotel Rwanda, I recommend it!
Finally, I watched Mississippi Burning this afternoon. It was recommended to me by my history teacher a couple years ago. From the get-go it's... disturbing, but I mean that in a good, wake-up-and-make-a-change way. I loved Anderson's character. And this was a particularly great movie choice because today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. All week I've been thinking of how I was going to take time to honor MLK on his day and this movie, with it's intense scenes of raw racism, was the perfect solution. It helped me to appreciate the world around me just a little bit more. I mean, look around! We can all work and live and attend school together. We can eat and go to the bathroom and drink from any fountain we want. This not only applies to black people but to people of all different races. And a major part of it goes to MLK's work.
Be thankful. Be appreciative. Be happy.
However, now that my movie marathon is over, I need to get settled and start preparing to knock second semester out of the park. Lehgo.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Anyway, we went downtown. It was freezing cold. We ate burgers and fries at UBurger. We went to see Young Adult. It was terrible. I don't recommend it at all. It was a total waste of nine dollars. I laughed like twice throughout the entire thing and the main character's life was just... messed up. It was weird, period.
Other than that though, I had a good time. Now I'm going to try and watch a movie (from my long list of movies that I want to see) online. Good night! :)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
So today I went to Copley with Frank-o-bean. I got those books I wanted from the library (including Where the Sidewalk Ends - childish, I know but I'm certain there'll be a few hidden jewels in there lol). And I finally got my journal! He helped me choose lol. It's not too big, it's simple, can be decorated easily, and has a secure magnetic closing (not to mention it was a great price). I love it. I love its texture. I can't wait to fill its pages. In fact, I plan to write in it more than I do on my blog. It's my New Years resolution in a way.
I've been writing my thoughts in this other book that I have. It was actually an art project I had to do freshman year. I took a textbook and decorated the cover, along with a couple of the first pages. I found it in my room near the start of my vacation and I just made it my makeshift journal. On to newer and better things now :)
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start...
I signed onto AIM in a desperate attempt to satisfy my desire to have a conversation with another person.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Even though everyone else has read that book back in like the 8th grade, I've never read it before. So I borrowed it from the library. I remembering randomly seeing it on TV when I was younger (I'll never forget the scene Piggy got murdered...) but it took a while to actually sit down and read it because I wasn't really into it. Still, I finished it tonight... finally. And you know what I think?
I conclude that it's one of the most immoral books I've ever read. Seriously? Kids murdering other kids? That's sick. I was completely unsatisfied. Though I must admit that the fact that it did get my blood boiling makes it a pretty good book. That's why students across America are still reading it today. It's just like Kite Runner. Now that book was messed up... smh.
I think my favorite part was the part where the title of the story comes into play lol. You know those books that have really weird titles and the entire time you're reading you just want to figure out why the author chose that title? Yeah. That's Lord of the Flies. That was the most fun I had while reading it haha.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I finished watching The Elephant Man today. It was really sad but it had a great moral. It's hard to believe that it was based on the life of a real person, Joseph Merrick. I would definitely recommend it.
I also finally watched Kevin Hart: Laugh at my Pain tonight. Hilarious, as always :)
"Alright alright alriiiiiight!" "You gon learn today!"
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
It's called "British Light Music". I love his piano works. It just makes me wonder about what life was like in the 1920's and 30's. It sounds wonderful, that's for sure. I've been trying to find his 'Aquarium Suite' album but it's almost impossible! It's like the world doesn't want me to listen to his beautiful music >_<
Anyway, after a fun practice we convinced Johnny to let us come over for "therapy sessions" (one-on-one talks about YMS and our lives and whatnot). We had hotdogs and fried Oreos and actually I ended up being the only one actually having a therapy session with him. We talked about my life and friends and how school was going. I admitted that I could've been doing better. I updated him on the stuff that was happening with me.
And the more I talked the more I realized that I'm weird.
I told him about my aversion to telling people about my life (unless they ask, of course) and as the words spilled out of my mouth I realized how absolutely absurd I sounded. Who does that? Seriously. I'm quiet and introverted and I have no idea why. Most people are the complete opposite. They have no problem telling me personal stuff, I just can't reciprocate. I'm not like most people. I'm not certain whether it's good or bad, but my traits and interests and tendencies make me abnormal. My talk with Johnny made me see just how detached I am from others.
I'm a collection of stories waiting to be picked up and read with interest, to be read by someone who actually cares. I've been left behind. I've been used. I've been torn. I feel out of place. I just need someplace I belong.
Johnny's awesome, but he's moving soon. He can't be the only one I open up to willingly. I need someone else. Preferably someone who's not already a therapist lol. It's therapists' job and interest to listen to others and pick their brains...
I saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while too. I saw my dear old friend Blake on the train and we caught up a bit. I saw Chanman on the street, Amy R at the pizza place we were at, even Vicky (accompanied by Isaiah) walking over to North End. It was great! Though I must admit that as people started to leave and the group got smaller, it got a lot more fun haha. Some cute guy in A&F winked at me haha. We went to Mike's Pastries and Lexy and I shared dreams (I apparently have a great life in hers). We (it was really just me with Alex mumbling along) randomly started singing/shouting "Don't Stop Believing" on the street and some other group passing us sung along too ^_^ I showed Lexy and Alex the Shit Girls Say video and we joked about it throughout the train ride home. Then finally when it was just me and Lexy we talked about how the black haired dude sitting across from us was a real cutie and how the group of guys that got on the train, tall and foreign, all looked alike. They wore nice jackets and a couple wore hipster glasses. They weren't too bad looking either. And finally that lady (I've seen her in action a couple times before) entered our car and started preaching to the 7 people in it haha. We later saw that she had a child, a boy. I really want to find out what he's going to be like when he grows up... And of course all night long we were classifying hipsters. Classes A, B, and C. LOL good times.
All in all, it was amazing, exactly what I needed.
Spending time with loved ones, there's nothing better.
Thanks Qui, Lexy, Tiff, Christine, Angie, Alex, and Richard!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I think the only way I'll be able to shop successfully is if you lock me in a store in which all the price tags are concealed. I 'll pick up the things I like then decide on what I want to purchase based on how much money I have to spend. Because I think the only things stopping me are that one, I'm pretty much always broke and two, the outrageously expensive price of clothes (both of which can be solved easily - by making some moolah).
Well, I could either do that or just shop at thrift stores, which is in fact better for the environment anyway....
Either way I still need money lol.
Friday, January 6, 2012
I don't talk about myself.
I've known this for a while now. I don't know why, I just can't seem to tell others about my life when partaking in conversation - unless asked, of course. I rarely willingly do it. And that's the reason why I come off as boring or antisocial to others. I used to blame it on the fact that I just love to listen, but I see now that there's more it to it than just that. It might be because I have some trust issues. It might be because I don't find the things I've done in my life to be very interesting or appeasing to others. Then again if others ask then they want to know, right? It makes sense.. I guess. But due to the lack of conversation on my end I'm often lonely and starved for friendship, wanting some sort of sign that people actually do care about me.
That is my dilemma. That is what I need to change.
I just finished watching that and it was one of the cutest movies I've seen in a while. I loved it! Even though Prince Naveen just happened to fall in love with Tiana over the course of a day... lol. It's now one of my favorites :)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
I found this video on Audrey Kawasaki's (one of my favorite artists) blog. It's a song from the Assasin's Creed Revelations trailer. She was awestruck by it's image. She quoted, "the power of sound and images. so intense. such drama and tragedy. i want to sink into it. and let it engulf me."
I must agree. This video is amazing. Confusing, but still visually stimulating.
I went to a birthday party
but I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink at all,
so I had a Sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
the way you said I would,
that I didn't choose to drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.
I knew I made a healthy choice and
your advice to me was right
as the party finally ended
and the kids drove out of site.
I got into my own car,
sure to get home in one piece,
never knowing what was coming,
something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement.
I can hear the policeman say,
"The kid that caused this wreck was drunk."
His voice seems far away.
My own blood is all around me,
as I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
"This girl is going to die."
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
while he was flying high,
because he chose to drink and drive
that I would have to die.
So why do people do it,
knowing that it ruins lives?
But now the pain is cutting me
like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell my sister not to be afraid,
tell Daddy to be brave,
and when I go to heaven to
put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him
that it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his mom and dad had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me, Mom,
as I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say
I love you and good-bye.
Grandma and Grandpa are people with wisdom. They never fail to teach me life lessons, even if they can only speak a few words of English. Grandma, with her classic thick glasses, is always looking out for us. She spreads advice amongst all her children. Grandpa, with his tall, bony frame, never ceases to be the glue and leader of the pack. He had a stroke last year. It was something concerning blood and his brain, I don't remember. Almost every member of the family was either at his bedside or outside in the hospital hall. Even with his weak body, he still has the warmest eyes I've ever seen. Together, they've built not only a family, but a home in America. That big white and green two-family house on Westmore Road holds memories for every member of our over-sized family. I'll always remember those days when my mom brought me along to spend time there. She would leave my brother, sister, and I to play on the big beige couch in the font room. I still remember marveling at those big jigsaw puzzles, finished by my grandpa and my now deceased uncle some long time ago, posted on the wall. I still admire how loving my grandparents are when I remember that they wouldn't object to us playing and watching TV in their room. I still remember ogling at all the knick-knacks scattered along the top of their dresser. I still remember that wall of piled suitcases which cut the room in half that Grandma saved for some reason I will never know. I still remember the sweet anticipation that hit me as I watched Grandpa walk into his room within a few minutes of my arrival. I still remember the bubbling happiness and the savory taste of those strawberry candies that he usually came out of his room with. I still remember being slightly dismayed when he'd come out of his room and slip a dollar into my hand. I still remember that one blue bathroom. I still remember how close the actual toilet was to the door: right next to it. I still remember being really embarrassed and upset when the door wouldn't close all the way. I still remember those loud, creaky hardwood floors. I still remember being terrified and most of the time screaming when I saw a cockroach scuttling across that floor. I still feel a little bad when I think about that time when I was a little ignorant kid staying at their house for a day. Grandpa came into the front room to give me lunch, but it was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he had to make a plain jelly one instead. The fact that he mainly speaks Creole and that I speak only English, understanding very little Creole, didn't help. I still feel a little bad for being a picky eater. I still remember that rickety upstairs porch that was off limits, but we still went on anyway. I still remember my uncle playing dominoes on the stone wall outside. I'll never forget that he argued that taking back something you already put down was cheating. I still remember the joy and pride I felt knowing that my grandma still kept her birthday gift from me (a picture of me) hanging on the wall in her room. I still remember being scared silly when all my older cousins watched Chuckie in the front guest bedroom. I still remember the excitement I felt when I finally got to go down the basement stairs. I still remember all the birthday parties. I still remember refusing to drink the spiked punch. I still remember playing with the refrigerator magnets. I still remember sitting on the porch with my now lost and long gone Uncle Herbie. I still remember looking into the windows of the other family's house and wondering what their lives were like. I can almost still remember the perfectly sweet taste of Grandpa's homemade jam. I still remember those days when Grandma didn't need a cane. I still remember all the best nooks and crannies to hide in for hide and seek. I still remember the backyard, which was really just a small rectangle of a pebbly hill half littered with junk. I still remember the thrill of constantly running down the path that cut across their microscopic front yard, stopping at the stone wall, and jumping off the edge to the sidewalk below. I still remember the endless steps it took to get upstairs. I still remember that big old tree in the sidewalk in front of their house that always gave me shade. I still remember checking for cars before I ran across the street to my godmother's house. I still remember thinking that someone, maybe I, should start a petition to change the road from a two-way street to a one-way street when my mom would have to pull over for the other car driving down the road. I try to remember all the laughs. I try to remember all the games. I try to remember all the gifts. I try to remember all the hugs, but they all scatter to the edges of my mind when my mom and I drive over to my grandparent's new two-family+ home. All the memories slip away the more I walk down the halls of their new home, past all the other doors of the other grandparents. Instead, my mind fills with sorrow and disappointment when I think about how small their new home is compared to that big white and green house on Westmore Road. I wonder if they miss having a separate room for the kitchen and two other bedrooms for relatives to stay in. I wonder if they feel boxed in. I wonder if they miss having a house of their own with space more than enough for all their children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren to sit back and relax in. I wonder if they miss it like I do. Maybe not, because for me, that big white and green house came as a package with strong hugs and never failing grandparents to look up to. It wouldn't really be the same with a limping grandma and a stroke ridden grandpa. I know that it'll never be the same. I know that they'll only get weaker. I know that, but I'll try to cherish the time I have with them. They will always be in my heart those strong, loving grandparents who migrated from Haiti and worked hard to build a life for their family in America.
Because that's the one that's failed too many times?
Because that's the one that's hurt me the most?
Because along with the relationship, the bond between the friend and I eventually ends up dying too. The feeling that I will forever be supported by them fades. All the secrets that were shared and promises that were made, which once were the center of something grand and wonderful, don't matter anymore. And all the memories I had with them turn into biting criticisms that humiliate and break me down until there's nothing left but me and myself to live with; no one to give a surprise visit, no one to have sleepovers with, no one to text in a heated moment of frustration, no one to just sit with except myself.
I should really stop lying to myself when I say "best friends forever".
Last night I watched Prelude to a Kiss, that was pretty cute! And it was funny too :) I didn't know that Alec Baldwin looked so good back in the day. Though I must say that his chest hair was disturbing..
I've spent the last week or so watching season one of Nikita too. But I stopped like 3 episodes before the finale. Honestly I just wanted to see Nikita and Michael get together and they did so I stopped lol. Maggie Q is really beautiful and she's a pretty awesome person in general :) But as I kept watching I couldn't help but notice Shane West's crooked bottom tooth. I saw it in A Walk to Remember too. Sure, he's pretty attractive and he looks good in a suit but I'm not really sure how he got all those acting roles with that tooth...
And of course I've been watching the Korean Drama Can You Hear My Heart. I stopped watching that too though. I just wanted to see Woo Ri and Dong Joo get together.. and they did :3 So there's no need to stay up till four in the morning watching those videos anymore lol. I read the recap of the last few episodes and I totally missed when he proposed to her, but I saw pictures so it's okay haha. The boy who played Dong Joo as a boy is soooo cute! I can see him going far in the acting business ;)
All these make me wonder about what guy I'll meet and what he'll be like and what we'll do together... I just hope it's not as dramatic as anything I've watched in the last two weeks lol jk.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A while ago I heard about this movie called Elephant so I tried watching it online, but the beginning was way too slow and there were so many characters involved that I didn't really get the point of it so I stopped it before it even got to the good part (the part when the kids actually try to bomb their school... crazy, right?). But anyway, from what I remember this one character playing Beethoven on the piano was the best and most interesting part of the movie for me lol. Enjoy!
I collect memories. It’s a subconscious hobby of mine. I come home to find my walls cluttered with countless mementos from five days ago all the way to five years ago. There is this one picture that continually goes unnoticed. It is old, just like the story of the two friends told in the picture. The decorative frame collects dust.
It was a sunny day in elementary school. My best friend Shannon and I stood nest to each other, all smiles. Our arms were around one another. We stuck out peace signs and also gave them alternative meanings; bunny ears appeared behind each other’s head. She was wearing a tie-die shirt and my hair was puffy and wild. We thought we were so cool and wanted the entire world to see. We were happy. Because back then it didn’t matter what clothes we wore, how silly we looked, that our teeth weren’t perfect, that I was much taller than she, or that I was black and she was white; we were best friends. We were able to look past all our differences and form a beautiful relationship. We were young, ignorant of the world around. We just wanted to have fun.
I don’t know how we met. All I remember is crying uncontrollably when my parents told me that I would be switching schools. “It’s not fair!” I blubbered repetitively. My new school in Lexington was a huge, strange monster, the people its heartless kidnappers. I walked into my 2nd grade classroom nervous and unsure. Somehow I met Shannon. I ended up at her table and we spontaneously clicked. Our relationship grew quick with fervor. We also were assigned to be Family Friends in METCO’s attempt to further bring together suburban and city kids. I went over to her house after school the first Thursday of every month and we did anything and everything enjoyable. She showed me her Sailor Moon collection and I was in awe. Yet another thing in common!
Happiness was customary then. I had Shannon to spend my school days with; I wasn’t lonely. School was exciting and fun. That summer however, there was some sort of rift that split us apart. We couldn’t see each other because of the distance. She lived in Lexington and I lived in Boston. We sent each other a few letters in the mail (because talking over the phone was somehow absurd). She went to the beach and sent me some shells; though they were usually cracked or broken by the time they got to me, I felt that she still cared for me. But with the start of the 3rd grade came a major change. Over the summer, unlike me, she learned that she didn’t need to rely on one person to have fun. She made new best friends and I was forced to do the same.
As I look at the picture, I wonder what happened to all the love and joy in it. Quite possibly it was lost in my youth, in the younger years of trusted pinky promises. However, I still believe that, though the innocence is gone, love and all its different types of bonds are still present today. It is just hidden beneath the tough layers of the modern world.
Not only were they well written but they were also relevant to my life now. It brought back good memories, but of course the bad ones came rushing too...
Yet overall they got me thinking that I should start writing again. I have so many memories and thoughts to write down about everyone. I want to share them. So I came up with the idea to write letters to everyone I care about (and also to those that I once cared about). It'll be a lot of work, but I think it'll be worth it. To let others know how I feel, to share with them all those memories I have locked away in my brain, I think it would bring me happiness or at least some sort of peace. I don't know...
I was considering that as my New Year's resolution, but I also just think that speaking my mind (something I already said I would do...) or writing something in a journal every night would suffice too. Maybe I'll try the latter.
Also, I'm proud to say that I've accomplished my goal from last year: be more assertive. Malcolm said that I passed that and went straight to being rude but he's just.. silly. I like the more outspoken me now. If only I could say what's on my mind..