Wednesday, October 31, 2012

If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's people taking advantage of my kindness and taking me for granted. I've been feeling like this for the past few days now and it's really getting to me. I'll never stop being nice and offering things to people, but if people keep treating me like I'm nothing I might just flip out on someone one of these days.


I think I shall be an old, ugly hag for Halloween tonight.. A costume to match my mood. Perfect, right?!
I spent about an hour changing my outfit this morning and in the end I still walked out the building feeling like I look like shit, great. Just great...

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Why can't I just meet a gorgeous guy like this who's nice and respectful and artsy and caring and who loves me for me?
Is that so hard?

Fairytale Wishes

End of the Line

I hate this game. I think I shall just be blunt... maybe.
If I can ever build up the courage.

Pros: he likes me the same way I like him, we could try to make something a way that wouldn't get him in trouble
Cons: he doesn't like me the same way I like him, rejection, it gets awkward, I'll be forced to be just friends with him, I'll get saddddddd

Why does this have to be so hard?! Why did my stupid emotions have to get in the way?

Last Night

I had a dream I talked to Honey Bee last night. We happened to be at the same women's event. She was there with her sister. We were sitting; I happened to sit next to her. Then all of a sudden she started playing with my hair. She said hi, I said hi. She started braiding my hair. She said, "I thought you were mad at me" and I replied, "I was, for a really long time. Not anymore though." The only thing she said was "I'm done" when she stopped braiding my hair halfway haha. But we smiled at each other - genuinely. It was nice.

I hope one day soon my dream will come true. I hope one day soon I will have a genuine talk with Honey Bee again.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sexilation & Male Strippers

I was sexiled from my room and all of my friends either had gone home for the weekend or were off being losers doing homework or something. And to top it off, Jay was in his room sleeping right when I'd really wanted to spend time with him and possibly watch Spirited Away together. The only reason I stayed in Framingham tonight was because he'd invited me to go to some party at "the Rugby house", but he'd never sent me the address and since he was sleeping it didn't look like he was going anywhere so I felt like I'd wasted my time. I was lonely and feeling depressed. My friend Lizzie had told me to just scrap Jay cause he didn't have the balls to make a move. So I was getting sad. I posted a status saying "What's the point anymore?"
After some time my new friend Holly joined me and we were going to go to her room and watch the rest of the Hunger Games (since we'd never finished it from that other night we started it). I went over to Lizzie's room to grab my things and all of a sudden someone knocked on the door. I opened it and guess who it was...

JAY. WEARING HIS SEXY FIREMAN COSTUME FROM THE OTHER NIGHT. Trailed by Holly, he came in dancing to Gangnum Style, a song I'd been listening to earlier in the lounge. Lizzie and I were so shocked lol. He pulled me in the middle of the room to dance and he was booty bumping me and he even started stripping! The room got hawt. And everyone was a little sweaty from dancing. He told me "I heard you weren't having a good day so I came to cheer you up."


What the fuck. How can I scrap him after that? lol. If that's not a sign he likes me, what is?
So later when he comes back from that Rugby house party, I'm gonna try and spend some more alone time with him. Just me and my fireman Jay.

I don't wanna just be friends. If there's something there - which I think there is - I think we should make it happen. The only problem is that I don't want to get him in trouble...

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, let me know how you feel!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Some Love Story...

So I've been trying to talk to Jay more and spend some more alone time with him, but it's so freaking hard! There's always other people around in the lounge and he's busy, I can't just walk into his room all the time.
I wish I could. But he doesn't have as much free time as he used to anymore :(
The other night he came back from some party at a pub dressed in a fireman costume (sexayyyyyy!) and we sat next to each other in the lounge. My knee was sorta touching his leg but that was it. He never made a move or anything and to get his watch back (since I'd stolen it from his room earlier that night) he just kept poking me. That's it. Pokes.
Is he too afraid to do anything in front of other people? Afterall, it could get him in trouble... I don't wanna get him in trouble. Maybe we should just stay friends... Sigh.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

When you send a riskay text message that doesn't get a reply -_-

Sigh. Damn Kay. She made a few comments tonight that like.. crossed the line. "You guys should get married" and "stop trying to have sex with Jay!"

And I sent him a message about the married comment (luckily he didn't hear the sex one!!! Dx). It was riskay. Very riskay. I meant for it to be a bold way of saying "I like you!" (since I can't tell what he's thinking, I may as well just get it out there) but idk, with that combined with all the other notes and texts maybe I just seem stalkerish. I really hope not. I don't wanna ruin a good friendship. And I REALLY don't wanna get him in trouble for doing stuff with a resident - even if they are just rumors.
He doesn't respond to half of my texts so I shouldntve expected one but I still wanna take it back! I wanna crawl into a whole for a while until it all blows over.
Why can't text messages be canceled? :(
I think I'm just going to avoid him tomorrow. I'm gonna spend most of my time at the library. I can't face him! Sigh, damn Kay!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I had dreams about Jay all last night.

I don't think he was the last thing on my mind before falling asleep but maybe he was floating around in my subconscious at some point. I dreamed that we were in an elevator going downstairs with two other people. The elevator broke down and fell all the way to the first floor. I freaked out and jumped in his arms lol. I pressed the emergency button and we eventually got out safe and sound.
Then I woke up around 8 and remembered that he stayed up late to finish writing a speech he had to present today. So I sent him a text saying good luck on it. He replied saying thanks with lots of exclamation points and a smiley face. Then somewhere along there I was wondering how much he could actually lift (since he's so ripped) so I fell back asleep and dreamed that I went to his room and gave him a hug. Then he gave me a piggyback ride around the hall haha. I'm so weird.
Last night I also spent more time in his room. But I still can't freaking tell how much he likes me, or if he really does for that matter. I was talking to my friends yesterday and they said that everyone had a crush on him. I was just like "well there goes that!" but they told me that for all the stuff we do together, I'm prob the one he likes most, that I have the best shot with him. I hope they're right. In his room he started playing country music, which I don't like at all, so I said I was gonna leave but he was like "noooo, don't go" so... I stayed :) we just sat there. I was playing games on my phone and he was doing actual work lol. And the country songs were all lovey dovey. It was odd but I didn't mind. And apparently he didn't mind my company either.
I've been told to touch him more so I'm gonna ask him if he can pick me up sometime lol. I can get a full feel for his body ;)
Sigh... At times I feel like I'm just an annoying resident who texts him and slides notes under his door. I want to be reassured that this isn't just one-sided! I just wanna be blunt and tell him I like him. But things could "crash and burn" the second I say it.
This wait, this dance, is nerve-racking.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Makeup is a Drug

This past week I've worn makeup more than I have in my entire life. All I really wore was some eye makeup (eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara) for my roommate's birthday and for my spirit day costume for work , but now that I'm not wearing it I feel... ugly. Its a bad feeling. I never used to wear any sort of makeup at all. But for some reason some powder on my eyes made me think I looked prettier (I got more compliments at least). I don't feel special anymore.
When you need to do something every single day to change yourself/your appearance to boost your confidence or anything, that thing is no good for you. Makeup is a damn filthy drug.
Now I have to boost up my confidence again. I have to be able to get up every day, look in the mirror, and tell myself that I AM pretty as is, makeup or not. I have to build myself up again, go cold turkey. Stupid, good-for-nothing makeup.
I hate you. You're the cause of so many girls' insecurities. You're the reason why some guys are so shallow. You're the reason why such an abstract thing as beauty has an image. I hate you.

I want to feel pretty again.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

It's 4 in the morning and I just spent the last 3 hours talking to Jay in his room...

I'm trying to go with the flow but I have no idea what to do. I don't really know what to expect therefore I don't know how to plan it out/approach it. I'm just... stuck in a confused mixed up state. I get these vibes that there is something going on but then I get the vibe that we're just good friends.
For instance, Friday morning I happened to ride the elevator downstairs with him. He said that his orange watch matched my outfit so he let me borrow it. He even put it on for me and everything. Then later that night when I got to the TV lounge to join some of the RA's for a movie, I walk in and my female RA Kay says that "Jay's sitting over there if I want to be closer to him".... Whaaaaat? She'd seen me wearing his watch earlier. I wonder, has he been saying stuff about me? What is Kay thinking?! And tonight! I went in his room to return his watch and I ended up sitting down and we just talked for hours! About our lives, our philosophies, our past relationships (more like his). And when I said I was gonna leave to go to bed we somehow got to talking about pets and he showed me pics of his dog and his family and everything. I only left because some guy who lived in his hall came in needing to talk to him. He keep saying "I don't want to impose on anything.."
Is it that obvious? Are we "meant" to be together? To have a relationship? Does he really have feelings for me?
And I talked to my friend Lizzie just last night about this too. I told her about how the night of my roommate's birthday I asked to get the rest of her cake from Jay's fridge. He texted me that the door was unlocked, to come on in, but when I got there it was locked. He opened it and he was wearing no shirt! (I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Jay's ripped - 6 pack abs and everything.) Lizzie said that he def does like me because guys don't just do stuff like that by accident lol.
I don't know what to think. Am I just being forced into something with him because of what other people think? Or do I really have feelings for him? From the stories that he's shared tonight, I don't wanna break his heart again.
I don't really know what I want. All I know is that I keep wanting to send him silly little messages and give him hugs and make him smile. I want to do all that and see him everyday.. I'm just worried that I don't think I get butterflies when I see him. And in situations like this where someone could get hurt (then again people get hurt in relationships all the time -_-), the butterfly factor is BIG.
What to do..

Friday, October 12, 2012

Gnarls Barkley - Smiley Faces

Gnarls Barkley's album St. Elsewhere was totally my pick-me-up of the day (among other things). Music is the remedy that will never go out of style...
As the night progressed I talked to friends and slowly entered the social world again. I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess you could say I had a "hiccup of depression"...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Can you see the sadness in my eyes?

I'm hurting inside.
I'm avoiding all my friends.
I left my phone turned off in my room.
I didn't tell anyone where I'd be.

I'm hoping this alone time will help me recooperate.
But it may just be making things worse.
I should talk to someone.
But even if I did and they listened, what would I say?
That I feel like crying for no reason?
That I feel like a passable nothing?
That I feel like I'm not being heard?
That doesn't make sense.
I'm not making any sense.

But don't worry,
these blues can't last for long.
Just give me some time, I'll be okay.
I think.

Maybe a hug would help...

Detached. Body Image.

Today I felt detached from everyone. I felt really good at times. My morning started off pretty well. I woke up unnecessarily early to go to breakfast with my roommate, who by the way seems so much more sociable! I don't know what happened over the long weekend but she's actually saying hi to people and hanging out with us a lot more, it's nice. I feel a tiny pang of jealousy that she talks more to Diem though... Oh well, at least she's talking to someone.

But yea, I went to breakfast, attended my two classes of the day, had lunch with my long-missed friends Chester and Jamal, went to my Green Team meeting, finally got a text message from Jay, talked to him for a bit, hung out with some friends, went to the gym, took a shower, did my hair, felt extremely accomplished afterward, then sat around in the lounge for a while with my friends afterward. I think it's at that point where I started to feel really.. separated. As the day came to a close, I thought about everything that happened and I guess I sort of felt unsatisfied?
It's sort of like each day is working at Macy's. Before you get the wrong idea, let me explain haha.
At Macy's I had a goal of how much to sell for each day. I feel as though I reached my goal for my personal self (though honestly, I barely touched my homework..), but not for my social self. I mean, I did hang out with people but I feel like it wasn't enough.

Or maybe I'm just feeling down because I didn't get a chance to see and talk to Jay one-on-one today. Maybe that's the reason why I'm still sitting her in the lounge looking up every time the elevator stops on this floor. Maybe I just......miss him?

Or no. Because missing someone couldn't make me want to cry like this. I'm feeling like this for a different reason not yet understood. I just have a feeling that I won't be able to sleep in I go to bed right now, though I am tired. That happened last night too. Oh, by the way, last night I sat with Jay until 2 in the morning just listening to music and doing homework. It was nice.

I haven't been getting much sleep this week... I need sleep. Instead I'll just stay up working on my friendship bracelet and hope that the bad feeling goes away.


I just remembered.
I wanted to talk to my good friend Diem today.
I think I'm feeling this way because I never got to get my thoughts out...
While I was at the gym I sent her a text saying that I had a serious question to ask her.
I came back and after I showered and did my hair and everything I came back out to the lounge where she was preoccupied with a phone conversation and figuring out how to use her new Twitter account.
I never got a chance to talk to her in private tonight.
I wanted to talk about body image. My body image, to be more specific.
At the gym I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a reflection of a very thin, very tall girl. As I was stretching my arms I noticed that the girl in the mirror had forearms small enough to fit a hand around. All I wanted to accomplish was tone down the jiggle in my thighs and lose my small but protruding enough to make me hate gut. Playing volleyball, I had to stay in shape and I never got that little bulge - at one point I actually had abs! But now that I'm in college and not keeping regularly physically active, the bulge pops out again. I don't want to see it so naturally I go to the gym. I try at least once a week but today was the second time this week. For the first time I saw what others may see when they look at me. I don't want to give in to my brother's pestering, but maybe I do look anorexic...
I was going to ask Diem if I looked like I had an eating disorder. I've been trying to eat more salad (even though it tastes God-awful) and less meat. I still think that I eat a lot, just not as much as I used to. For instance, I bought a tortilla bowl thing tonight for dinner and though I'm usually able to eat the whole thing and want more, about 1/3 of it is still sitting in its container just to the left of my laptop. I feel fine. And I eat till I'm full, but is there something wrong with me? Is it just my body type that makes me so thin? I haven't checked my weight since I left home and I'm actually afraid that it may have dropped. I hope it hasn't. Maybe I should stop going to the gym.. then again, I don't want to. I want to stay fit. But when I go, do people see me as an unhealthy girl trying to be a sickly weight? I fear that's the case.
And I know I'm usually not this self-conscious and I try not to care what people think, but for some reason my reflection scared me.

I feel like crying.
My Dad called a bit ago and afterwards I called my Mom (that conversation didn't last long). I wanted to talk to Malcolm too, but he hasn't answered my text. I feel like he'd be the only one who could set my mind straight and make me feel better. Where are you when I need you? :(

And just another final note.
I find it odd how I can write out my feelings so much easier than if I had to speak them. Indeed, it does take a while to get the words just right and I end up being just a little too verbose, but I feel so much better at I write out my thoughts. Why can't I do that with other people?
Maybe that's why I should be a therapist? To help others with this sad social impairment. If they can't talk to others, they can at least always talk to me...

Okay, this essay is done. Off to work on my bracelet.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

So I've come to realize that I'm HORRIBLE at flirting. It doesn't matter what anybody says. I am, period.
I was sitting in the lounge with a group of friends and, lo-and-behold, Jay comes by. Of course he sits down. He tells us that he lost his game and that he's dead. His neck was hurting so he asked me to fix it and lays his head on the top of the couch next to me. I don't know how to give massages, I'm not even gonna try. Especially not on some guy I sorta kinda like (who may or may not sorta kinda like me too) in front of a group of people I know. I just.. can't. So I poked his neck for a bit, that's it. I didn't know what to do. Looking back on it, I get the feeling he expected me to get more physical and actually give him a massage.. or at least attempt to. But I'm shy. I couldn't do it.
Sigh, my shyness will get me NOWHERE with a guy. And don't even get me started on flirting. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary.

Oh, but wait. Just as I finish this post Jay came around again. And I told him to join me while I finish homework. He is. So let's see how this ends... Me in my robe and retainer and him in his revealing black tee. Sigh, my life..

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Sometimes I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

I give a lot. Whenever one of my friends is hungry or craving a snack or needs a water, I supply it. When they need someone to go somewhere with, I go (as long as it doesn't interfere with anything else). I offer to pay, like a good person should. But as my stock deteriorates and I have nothing for myself anymore, I wonder if they actually appreciated it. Or do they just take me for granted? Do they consider me a friend or just a supply?

I wonder... What am I to them?

Sigh, these are the times I feel like a doormat. Like I'm helpless and have no voice. I'm not, and I do have a voice but.. is there a point when going out of your way to be nice and an overall good person harms instead of helps? Is this what Malcolm was warning me about all this time?

Oh but wait, Jay's here. I gotta go...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Death Cab for Cutie - Stay Young, Go Dancing

Operation Johnny

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(

As I'm writing this I'm thinking about just how quickly things change. I'm thinking that someone's life could be taken away at any moment, someone near and dear to me at that. And that's never happened to me before...
I'm thinking that our lives have changed so much in just these past two years. Look where we are now!
I'm thinking that while one person may finally be feeling good about themselves, another person may be going through hell.
I'm glad I made that outreach last night and had that talk with him, now I can try my best to help and be there for him. I can try to give back and try to do for him what he did for me.

Time, please be on my side.

I feel... grown.

So much time has passed. And I feel mature, a lot more confident of myself that I did, say, this past summer. It feels good! I'm having fun, trying to keep up with those I care about most, trying to get a guy to notice me (unsuccessfully, but whatever haha). I'm not completely happy all the time, but I'm not sad. I'm content. I'm content with my life.

Maybe those paper cranes really did work, maybe my wish is coming true...

And earlier this week I noticed something. That I don't miss Honey Bee anymore. I don't feel mad or sad about the past. I'm over it. I've moved on and it's like a huge boulder has moved out of my path.

It's a wonderful feeling, being content.

I've been through the lows, I think it's finally time for the high points of my life.
And maybe now, since we're strangers to each other once again, I will meet Honey Bee again and we'll get to learn about and from each other allover again. Maybe someday.

I miss sleep.

This is what I do at 2:30 in the morning... sigh.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Not quite jealousy, more like annoyance... Does that make sense?

Couples piss me off. Get a room.

Though I'll admit.. some of them are pretty cute. A very small few :p

Friday, October 5, 2012

Ketchup, I don't like mustard.

Soooooo... I'm just going to make one really long post filled with all the old pictures from the past couple weeks I never posted. I'm lazy haha.
First batch: The Timeflies Concert! Woooo! That was fun. We walked around and got lost (though I pretended that I knew where I was going because.. you can't not know where you're going in Boston when you're with your suburban friends who don't know anything about Boston; they start to doubt you lol). We dressed up too much. We waited in line for an hour or so then for another hour and a half inside because they were having tech probs. Good thing we got crappy seats in the stadium cuz at least we got to sit down lol. It was really fun though. We ate Bertucci's, and had Emack & Bolio's, and I saw a cut-off shirt that was being sold for $20 (rip off, much?). Then Malcolm dropped us off back to school, after driving around the world for my cousin Richard of course. But Richard and Malcolm were soo funny so it was okay.
Best quotes of the night: "pikliz pepper spray" (Haitian joke) and "I survived Rape Towers 2012... Ask me about it"
Oh! And Cal freestyled about my high school (BLA) to "Space Jam". I was soooo excited ^_^
Second batch: All the stupid random stuff I did last week. I bought a 1D puzzle for my friend's little sis and made a really cool border. I put so much effort into it... and she's not even that close to me. Says a lot about my personality, huh? Then I painted my nails because I was procrastinating. But they look cool! I tried that newspaper thing but it didn't really come out that well so I took it off and tried to do a Batman symbol instead, that came out ehh. But my NoFace is cool! :D And I tried doing Totoro but he looks like an owl :\ I still got quite a few compliments on it. That, and my hair since I'd tried a new hairstyle. It looked like I shaved half of my head. But apparently it looked good so whatev.
Last batch: I wore a cute outfit... some day I can't remember. I turned quite a couple heads, I felt good :)
Black California map print shirt, black tights, tan cardigan, green and purple scarf, black boots, pearl studs.
And that's all folks! Have a great week!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Write of the devil and he appears!!!

What the heck! I wrote that post in the library after which I banged out the rest of a lab report. I went over to another building on campus to turn it in then went downstairs to go back to my residence hall. Guess who I saw when I was walking down the hall? JAY. Wtf?!
"(Speak of the devil..) Hey Jay!"
"What's up, Christina? You headed over to Towers?"
"Actually, yeah."
"Cool, would you mind escorting me there? I'm afraid I'll get assaulted. (Inside joke about our school, look it up: sexual assaults Framingham University)"
"Haha, sure!"
I wait a little bit, we make some small talk. He asks if I have plans for the rest of the day, I say not really but I might hang out in the lounge (haha). I talk about weather, he talks about tests. He says that I should escort him to his room too, I say that it's out of my way since he walks straight and I turn and walk down two halls. We get to Towers and he stops for something next to the front desk. I proceed to the elevators where I wait because both of them are at the top floors.
He walks up, "Good, you're still here. Look what I found." He shows me something that my friend Karpe, who lives right across the hall from me, dropped when she came in.
What are the fucking chances? Please, tell me. -_-
We go up to our floor and talk about iPods and learning how to play piano. In the end he sort of escorts me to my room since he stops right in front of my door. He gives Karpe her lost item, we joke about him possibly getting assaulted out of our sight around the corner, he leaves (and cries out around the corner to "prove us right" haha).
And that was the play-by-play of what just happened to me. I figure I'm going into so much detail because I mean, come on, what are the chances of seeing him around so much? And I guess I'm also a little.. upset maybe? Because I want to hold down my feelings. I don't want to fall into another unresolved crush, they're too upsetting. And, as I think about everything I wrote, I could definitely be over thinking things and looking to much into things that aren't flirting at all but instead playful conversation. I can see how a reader new to this whole situation could see it as nothing but two friends talking to each other, as a series of coincidences because really, it's common sense that I'd see him a lot - he lives on my floor! But that's just how I am. I over think the little things. And try to hide my feelings so that I don't fall for someone. And if I fail and do fall for them, I never do anything about it other than long from afar. That's me. The shy romantic.
Sigh, my life.

Joe Never Looked So Good...

And thus the seed has been planted... -_-

On the subject of my male RA:

For some reason I spend a lot of time in the lounge of my floor in my residence hall (we don't have study lounges because they have students live in them because our school took in too many students and, well, our school is stupid). And for some reason the male RA on my floor always walks by and either joins me and starts a conversation or just starts talking to me. And I've gotten used to it. I'd like to say that I've greatly improved my small talk skills just from those encounters with him. Though, I have to be honest, I almost never get any work done sitting there because he comes by and we always end up having stupid conversations.
But anyway, tonight my friend Diem was sitting with me in the lounge. It had been a fairly good day. I woke up three hours early (for unexplained reasons - maybe my internal clock is going through daylight savings time or something), dressed up in a cute outfit, went to breakfast by myself and ate well, went to classes, took a short nap, went to work, got compliments on my hair and nails, met some funny co-workers, walked back to campus talking on the phone to my Dad, met a guy who lives on my floor - he's pretty cool, and talked to him and Korpe Diem about careers and changing majors. As expected, the RA of subject (let's call him Jay) came by a couple times (this time only because he was doing "rounds" through the building doing bathroom checks) though he did say he was going to join us later. And of course, none of us in the lounge got any work done lol.
Around midnight it had trickled down to just me and Diem. We happened to be talking about Jay and, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, he appeared! He had come upstairs in the elevator LOL. So we made some small talk but eventually he left to go to sleep. Once he was out of sight, Diem turned to me and said "you guys would be cute together."

....and thus the seed had been planted.

I told her it would never happen (height and whatnot), but she said that Jay and I both do this thing where we're "chill one minute then all wooo! the next" and that our personalities go well together.

Now, if you know me you'd know that I'd never been in any sort of romantic relationship with a guy before. Never been on a date, never been kissed, all that jazz. I'm a virgin in all aspects of my love life.
When someone says something like "he likes you!" or "ooooh, he's checking you out" or "you 'd look cute together" to me, I get... weird. I either get awkward and start avoiding the guy because I'm not attracted to him OR... I start to grow feelings for him because, well, like attracts like. Since I've met him, I've always felt odd around Jay. Before, I thought it was just because I felt that whenever I talked to him he'd always be secretly flirting with me. Now I'm starting to think that maybe it's because all along I was secretly attracted to him, I just didn't want to get too close because I know it'd never happen. But... is that how I've conditioned myself to think? When I like someone, hide my feelings and force myself to think it'll never happen (because of height or unreciprocated feelings) so that I don't get hurt? What kind of life is that? Not a good one. That is the reason why I will be forever alone.

As for this specific situation, I won't do anything about Jay. It wouldn't work out between us (there I go again...) and RA's aren't supposed to be in relationships with residents anyway. Besides, he probably doesn't even like me like that. I'll just continue to have stupid conversations with him... and check out his huge muscles when he's not looking... ;) I'll try not to act awkward around him and just nip my feelings in the bud (hopefully). He's a senior so he won't be here very long anyway.

Sigh. Oh, Christina. Why? Just... why? -_______-